


Becoming Reality

by Lonewritersclub



Category: Actor RPF, Batman - All Media Types, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Justice League (2017), Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: 'cause why not, Acting, Actors, Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Batfleck - Freeform, Batjokes, Comic-Con, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff, Gen, Hannibal Lecter mask, Jared Leto Joker - Freeform, Leto Joker, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Original Character(s), Realistic, Slow Burn, affleto, maybe smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2018-10-13 17:32:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 45,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10518501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonewritersclub/pseuds/Lonewritersclub
Summary: Jared has been suffering from a headache ever since they dyed his hair green again.OrThe day Jared turned into the Joker and not by going method.





	1. I

It was hard for Jared to comprehend how he had managed to snatch such a role of a lifetime such a as the Joker but he was ever so grateful for it that he had.

Sure the interpretation of it had received quite a bit of criticism especially for the new look of the classical villain but Jared wasn't all too worried about it. His actual performance hadn't been that disliked - actually people had seemed to have wanted to see more of him on screen but a huge part of his scenes had been cut of to make the film more focused on what it was actually centered about - the Suicide Squad.

But after his reappearance in Batman which had received tons of more positive reviews, he had been given a much larger role in the sequel which had given him a place right across from Ben to taunt his gold plated gun at him with a clearer shot.

People had been dying to see more of him especially after his appearance in Batman since this time the script had worked wonderfully and for once in his advantage. They had given him enough time to do his magic with the audiences on screen, and of course with the Batman himself. Moreover, the scenes had all been left to the end of the film as to tease them for a possible sequel (and of more Joker). And since the audiences had given them the thumbs up, they latched onto the deal and began planning the next film.

After it was finished on paper, Jared read the script, worked on the role a bit, worked on the film with the others a lot, got his gear of green hair on, (played a little with his band) and he was ready to start his work on set when filming would start by the end of the month.

Before that however was the press conference for the Batman at Comic Con. Because of the great reviews and reactions to the Joker, the producers had asked Jared to join them on it as well even though he still wasn't such a prominent figure on screen this time either. But he had still had enough screentime and meaning in the film for it to be sensible of him being present at the convention that he decided to come. And also the audiences (because Jared hated thinking them as fans as it meant that they would be some sort of 'fanatics') had been really keen on seeing him there, too.

Since having already started working on the next film, he had already met with the makeup and hair artists and the director who had wanted to work with his hair right then and there on that Tuesday, so it was dyed completely green to the very roots of his hair. Actually it had felt like the hair stylist had gone all the way to his scalp with the toxic stuff that it had in fact started to burn him a bit and Jared had had to ask the guy doing his hair to be gentler when washing the dye off since the skin was had become quite sore - the stylist, Malek, had genuinely apologized for that and Jared just said it was alright with an understanding look.

The director hadn't seemed to be all that concerned about it, however, as he had had to hide his smirk when commenting that Jared seemed to be getting the actual Joker transformation right then and there but that thankfully Jared was a method actor so it shouldn't bother him too much. Jared had offered a small smile for the director's antics and for the worried Malek spreading aloe vera into his scalp but he couldn't have said that he had been exactly happy about the situation either for the fact that his head was starting to very much hurt, and it hadn't exactly stopped from that day forward. Jared has just been taking pain medication and using a lot of calming creams for his scalp to aid the burn or whatever was going on there. The pain had lessened somewhat, he guessed, or maybe he was just numb  but he had decided that if it didn't stop in another week or so, he would go see a doctor for it.

So on the day of the convention, Jared opted to wearing a black beanie to hide the mess of green curls and some sunglasses to block the harsh lights which could only worsen his headache.

Jared met up with the rest of the crew backstage for a few minutes after having scrambled his way to the building at the last minute as his brother Shannon had driven him there, and you know Shannon.

Ben was talking with the director with a couple of other actors of the film. He waved at Jared when he saw him entering the darkened room where Jared could take the glasses off for a while. Jared waved back with a small smile but then suddenly a horrible flash of pain hit his head and he had to shut his eyes for a moment and hold his head in his hands in a vain defense against the sudden bolt of thunder going through his brain. However, the flash was gone as soon as it had come but it left Jared feeling lightly unstable, so he carefully made his way to the box of cold drinks and took out bottle of spring water. He took it with him to the nearest table to him where there the producer was already sitting with a couple of other people, and Jared sat down on the slightly wobbly padded chair with a soft greeting to them all.

The producer acknowledged him with a polite nod and a smile but she was too busy discussing with the others to pay much more attention to him. Jared was actually grateful for that because he was also busy in trying to mend himself together before the panel. He sat quietly drinking his water in short gulps while the others chatted animatedly about whatever around the subject of film financing. Rather uninteresting it was, in Jared's opinion and it left his mind wondering around the backstage with a certain aspect of delirium. He wished he had packed some aspirin with him.

At some point the other people left the table as the panel was about to begin and the producer turned to Jared with excited eyes. "So hi, Jared! How are you doing? Kind of a big day today, isn't it? The people out there are really excited to see you. I talked with the convention holder and you seem to be the talk of the town here - alongside with Batman the film itself of course. Isn't that great? The next movie is going to do brilliantly if this keeps up", she gushed resting her chin on her hand like she was daydreaming. Probably about the wads of cash coming into her wallet on the account of the hype around the film. Jared was almost about to sigh. She was a nice woman really, Jared didn't mean to call her greedy. It was just that the headache was really getting to him.

"Yeah... We can sure hope so", Jared muttered out before taking a larger sip of the water. That happened to be in fact the last of the water and he was already reaching for another bottle when the panel announced itself beginning.

"Alrighty then, let's go. There's more water by the table if you need it. Hey, actually, are you feeling alright, Jared? You're looking a little pale there...", she asked when he got under one of the few the lights in the room and saw him properly.

"Thanks, I'm alright. Just a little headache that has been bothering me lately. Um, you wouldn't happen to have any aspirin with you?" Jared asked as he put his sunglasses on again.

"I'm sorry, I don't have any. I've actually been to the doctor's office and he said that I've been taking too much of the stuff and I should take a break before I developed a resistance towards it. But what can I say, I get really bad headaches! Everyone gets them in this line of work. There's so much stress constantly and if a little white pill can help with that from time to time then why not have it? It's ridiculous. Anyway, I've still been trying to stay away from them as much as I can. I've actually been four days clean", she rambled while they were walking over to the stage's stairs before she concluded it with an easygoing laugh. Jared just hummed with a smile and a nod just to be polite. He really didn't have the energy for this.

Jared noticed Ben at the very head of the stairs where he was standing next to the director and Margot and Will who were talking animatedly to each other. He grinned at him again from over the small crowd and Jared smiled back as well as he could before having to turn his gaze to the floor in exhaustion. The panel was beginning, the chairman was announcing the film.

Then out of nowhere someone was nudging at his elbow and suddenly he was being dragged along by his arm to the head of the stairs as well. Jared looked up in confusion but whoever it had been had already left. It must have been one of the convention staff members, he guessed. Now Ben was right in front of him and he again was smiling broadly at him. He looked actually rather amused by the whole interaction Jared had had with the staff member.

"Hey man! Didn't you remember? You're sitting next to me and Will at the table. No need to stay low and modest, the crowd is practically shouting your name even now", Ben said with a laugh over the cheering coming from their left. He bumped Jared on the shoulder with his fist playfully, and _shit,_ Jared about to fall over from that. He needed to sharpen up.

"Wow, wow, sorry, man. Are you alright? You don't look too hot. Didn't sleep well?" Now Ben was asking about his well-being too. Dammit, Jared couldn't go onstage looking like he was about to throw up or faint. What would they think of him? Not humble enough to even get his shit together for the audiences who buy these expensive tickets purposely to see them here? Fucking hell... 

"Ah, something like that. Sorry, I should be more alert. My head is just hurting a bit", Jared answered and waved his hands in front of him deeming it being fine.

"Oh, do you need someone to check you up or something? There's probably a medic somewhere over here who could give you something...", Ben wondered out-loud and head already turning about to catch sight of someone. "No, no, I'll be fine. Besides the show's about to start. You sure I'm supposed to sit right next to you? I mean, I wasn't that much in the whole thing and I..."

"Come on, you're the Joker after all. You're sitting right between me and Will, and the director's is the closest to the chairman. I think Margot's somewhere next to Will and then there's..."

Ben was still talking but the cheering of the crowd was getting so loud that the words got lost in the noise. Jared looked up to the brightly illuminated stage where the chairman was speaking. The director going up first and he was waving at the crowd with a big grin.

"... and then we have the Batman himself, Ben Affleck!"

Now it was Ben's turn. He clapped on Jared's shoulder a couple of times as a reassurance but this time it was much, much softer before he walked up onto the stage. The crowd's cheers only got louder. Jared had to take a breather for a while and close his eyes. Will came up from right behind him. He said something to him with a great big laugh and Jared turned to listen but he still couldn't hear him through all the noise.

"What?" he tried to ask him and leaned forward to hear the man but then Will was pushing him backwards to walk up the stairs and motioned to the stage with his finger. "Go!" he was yelling now and Jared realized it was his turn to get onstage. He climbed up the stairs as quickly as he could with Will right at his tow before stopping just behind the curtain to take another deep intake of air to calm himself down. Ben, the director and the chairman and all the others who were waiting on the stage for him, watched him there with expectant expressions. Then Will was nudging him forward and Jared took a step but -

Can you imagine anything more pathetic than stumbling onto a stage after a minute's delay, and then almost falling on right your face in front of hundreds of attentive, screaming people and then the tens of thousands of people who were going to watch this panel online? Fortunately though Jared managed to save himself from hitting the floor with his nose first by quickly taking hold of the edge of the long table and thanks to Will quickly coming to grab him by the waist like he was some distressed princess in a fairy tale.

"Oh, and here we seem to have Will Smith as well, aka Deadshot, coming to the Joker's rescue! Come on, guys, easy now, no fighting", the chairman commented and laughed. That seemed to ease the tension in the room as well.

Jared straightened himself as fast as he could but Will kept holding onto his arm while they made their way. "Oopsy daisy, you alright there, Jared?" Will asked, mouth so close to his ear, Jared could feel the air moving, as they walked to their assigned seats. "Yeah, thanks. Sorry about that", Jared responded with a grateful smile but also expecting for the hand to let go of him. Will just laughed and patted him on his back before greeting the excited crowd spreading in front of them with hundreds of flashes of camera's blinding them.

"How you're doing people!"

Jared only managed a quick swish of his hand before having to take his seat to steady himself. The other actors were being welcomed onto the stage now. He felt Ben put his hand on his shoulder and lean in to ask him if he was alright again and Jared just answered like he always did.

"Fine, yeah. Thanks", he mumbled as he took the water bottle placed in front of him and opened it. Damn, he was already screwing this up. This was going to be a _long_ panel...

* * *

 

It was not great to be the Joker today.

For some people it would have been. To people who loved being interviewed and who loved talking to masses of people and being photographed and cheered on. And sometimes Jared did like it, too. He was a performer after all, he had to enjoy it unless he wanted to go insane.

But right now, Jared couldn't be any less interested in answering to any sort of questions asked by anyone. His head was seriously beginning to hurt - he had only managed to take one pain pill this morning and he was not feeling it.

He kept sipping at his water hoping it might be able to ease the thunder inside his head or the splitting pain attacking his brain every once in a while or even the terrible soreness of his scalp. But no... It kept on going with his eyes becoming glazed over and vision becoming fuzzy. 

Ben turned to him a few minutes into the discussion with a worried look in his eyes. "Hey, Jared, are you sure you're alright? You've gone really pale. Almost Joker pale." The question startled Jared a bit despite it being a soft whisper but thankfully he recovered quickly even in spite of the horrible feeling engulfing him from head to toe with despair and nausea. "Oh, yeah. It's just... the headache is just getting worse. But it's fine. There's only half an hour left, right?" Jared asked. Ben responded with a tiny nod before having to go back to the panel. Still his concerned look remained even then. A small pat was placed on Jared's thigh under the table in sympathy. 

Jared was definitely going to go see a doctor exactly fucking today. Even if his personal doctor wouldn't be able to see him, he would go see someone with medical knowledge even though he didn't really like to do business with strangers who always just wanted to strip him down even when he told his symptoms of being simply a sore throat or something of the like. He really needed to fix his hair before it got any worse or his hair started falling out.

"I've got a question for Jared. How was it to prepare for the role of the Joker this time? Was it any easier after you had already played him before - was it like he was still with you so it was easy to slip back into or was it in fact harder to maintain the old role? Thank you. By the way, you were amazing in it!"

Jared had to cough a little into his hand to clear out his throat before even thinking of an answer. He gazed out into the audience with hazy eyes (which they thankfully couldn't see through the glasses) and to the girl who had asked him the question and smiled a little to be polite.

"Yeah, it was easier this time because I already had the character's whole persona in me and ready to roll. But every time you come back to a character - though I've never done something like that before these films - it takes a bit of pondering. You still need to think about what can you add to it, what makes sense to him and that sort of thing. But really, with the Joker, I would reckon it's a lot easier to get him out of yourself because he's such an unique character that you could never forget. It's quite natural even though he's basically a twisted sociopath. But he's quite lovable too, I think, in some ways. How about you, what do you think, Ben?" Jared said and looked over to his right with a suggestive grin.

Ben's eyebrows jumped up and he smiled like he wasn't all that sure. "Well, I don't know about that whole lovable thing. But, you know, I mean, the Joker's a very mesmerizing character and just highly unpredictable so he keeps the viewers on their seats, and I think Jared has that spot on, but for that lovable part I think we're still gonna have to see whether or not that's true in the upcoming film", Ben answered with a throaty chuckle and looked over to him.

"Alright, then we have a question for Will from Sarah..."

Now Jared could retreat back into his trance like state. He leaned his forearms against the table and held the half empty water bottle between them as he let his mind to wonder, or more like, letting it to try and defend itself from the halting pain by concentrating on everything else possible. At some point into the discussion, Jared's head had dropped to resting his chin on his bicep as he gazed out into the nothingness of the surface of the clear white table. He was subconsciously starting to chew on the insides of his cheeks to attract some the attention from the pain in his head to the pain his mouth if only possible. His mind wondered afloat and only white noise static seemed to fill his brain at that point.

The director was talking at the moment about the sequel they were starting shoot in three weeks or so if everything went according to plan. "... and we're of course going to have our Joker on the film as well. This time he will be in a much more prominent role which is certainly going to be very exciting and I think everyone on the team is looking forward to actually beginning filming. I mean, who knows what kinds of presents we'll be gifted this time, right Jared?"

But Jared wasn't there anymore. The remark was met with silence as he could not even hear the remark which had landed everybody's attention on him now. His eyes were half-closed but unseeing and his ears were deafened.

Blood began to slowly trickle down from the corner of his lips across his chin. When Ben noticed this - "Oh my God... Jared!" - he once again grabbed onto Jared's shoulder in worry to shake him out of it but by doing so he only managed to push the chin resting on his arm off to full on hitting it against the table from the drop. This caused Jared's teeth to bite down on the corners of his lips inside with full force. His mouth was torn.

The pain and the surge of metallic crimson blood filling his mouth finally awakened Jared from his mental absence. However, when he came back to reality, he wasn't quite himself anymore. He wasn't aware of his surroundings at all in fact. His eyes were wide open and his senses were on high-alert but no of what came through made much sense. The schemas of his mind were beginning to fail him. Cortisol and adrenaline were running through his veins, flight or fight reaction set off. He was going to fight. 

He jumped up from his seat abruptly and when he parted his mouth, a flood of blood fell out his mouth. The audience screamed but in a different way compared to the previous times and began shouting. Prominent gasps could be heard even over the noise. Camera flashes only accelerated.

Ben, the director and Will came to Jared's immediate aid. Everyone else onstage stood up in shock, too, though stayed behind in helplessness. Ben managed to retrieve paper from somewhere and tried to press it against Jared's bleeding mouth. However, Jared wasn't co-operating. He was trying to get away from the men who had become merely dark threatening figures looming over him and trying to get him. And there were so many noises coming from left and right and all over. It was truly disorientating and Jared was more or less already disordered. 

Will and Ben eventually decided to take hold of both of Jared's arms and wherever they could latch onto to calm him down and get him off the stage. To this Jared began trashing almost like rapid dog. It still didn't lessen the two men's powerful grips on him seeing they were quite a bit larger than him in their build. Jared's fighting only caused his black beanie to drop from his head and the wild green hair to be released wide open into the view. His sunglasses were the next to go and what was even more terrifying about that, was that even through the wild shaking of his head, Ben and Will could see thin streams of blood coming from Jared's eyes.

Camera flashes increased at least by tenfold by then even though the audience had already been advised to leave the hall minutes ago. The convention medics were trying to get through the havoc of the audience which eventually had to be forced to leave by security guards because they just staring dumbfounded at the unheard of scene unraveling before their very eyes. The medics also were trying to point to the backstage where Will and Ben should try to get Jared which they obviously were already trying to do but what was hard because Jared would stop his struggling. In Ben's mind, he actually looked like a cornered animal fighting desperately for escape. 

"Let go of me!" Jared screamed through the blood still filling his mouth. His mouth, jaw and the whole front of his t-shirt were becoming drenched in it and made a frightening sight along with the crazy green hair and aggressive behavior.

"This wasn't exactly what I meant by method acting..." could be heard falling from the director's lips in mumble. And it just happened to be the one thing Jared caught through the newly found mayhem created in the hall by his sudden fit. It was a meaningless thing to say but somehow it managed to only enrage Jared even more so though he wasn't _quite_ himself right then. To have the director always making fun of him and his otherwise perfectly acceptable work ethic which he just used to stay focused and _not_ to gather attention to himself, and then still using it to make profit of it in more ways than one, was the last straw for Jared. First they had fucked up his head, and now he was bleeding and making a fool of himself in front of everyone. Great publicity indeed. Now the director had the decadency to blame it all on him.

"I'll fucking show you acting, you piece of shit...", Jared hissed the words at the director's baffled expression which then turned into horror and shock. Blood just kept on dripping all over the floor and on Ben and Will as they dragged him forcefully off the stage against every might he put into his struggle.

Cameras only kept flicking and flashing at the scene as Jared, or now the Joker, was hauled backstage.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about this taking so long. It wasn't supposed to, but I decided to re-do this chapter because I wasn't happy with the first draft of it but that then took a lot more time to write since life's been a bit more hectic again and I've been lazy otherwise. Really, this chapter has been unbearably hard to write for some reason and I'm still not completely satisfied with it but at least it's a bit more lengthy. But I hope this one's somewhat satisfactory for you if just in the slightest. The future ones should be a bit easier to write. 
> 
> By the way, Comic Con is held in San Diego so that's where they are.

It all happened very fast once Jared got off the stage.

The backstage had remained darkened but to his eyes it was painfully bright. Camera flashes remained as their source of light and moreover they only succeeded in blinding and disorienting Jared even more.

The aching in his head was simply too overwhelming that it drowned out all rational thinking. He could barely grasp on the reality swarming around him that had become a mere whirlpool of agitation of the unknown, loud noises, bangs, shouts and sharp, white flashes of lights and pure mayhem. Dark, blurry forms of people were moving around him: forwards, backwards, left and right, even down and up it felt like. They ran right beside him either blocking the way or did so in trying to clear the area so that Ben and Will would be able to get Jared to one of the couches to settle him down. All the while Jared kept on struggling against their mighty clutches like a furious caged animal, scratching and hurling his fists whenever he could get his arms free. In his state of mind though no one could blame him for it.

So Jared trashed about, yelling and shouting at them all in anger and fear as they all stared at him with horrified expressions and some still with their phones directed at him, most probably videoing the whole thing to show to their friends so that they could all feel better about themselves

His mouth was bleeding, hurting and made of a gruesome sight. Despite the pain, however, Jared didn't truly perceive it in his mind. He could only keep his attention on the large dark shapes that were coming too near him and to whom he tried defending himself against in his confusion and panic by growling like a maniac dog and by trashing some more. One scruffier hand came closer to his face than the others in order to get a better photo of him and of his crazed look. To that Jared's only instinct for defense at the time was to bite at it as hard as he could with his bloody red teeth.

It also sounded like the pearly whites had managed to hit their target, too, as a loud, throaty yell was followed by the action and the sound of a camera hitting the floor soon after.

"God damn psycho, he bit me!" a man yelled over the other loud voices filling the room. They would be gushing about it soon after.

People were touching him, bumping against their party of three, pushing and pressing. Ben couldn't have been more enraged by how people could be so inconsiderate. To him it was ridiculous how even the ones who had been allowed backstage could behave with such insensitivity and disturb the already clearly upset man in their greediness of trying to catch a glimpse of the intriguing horrors of one man's heartbreaking breakdown. Not to mean there weren't any good people who were actually willing to give them some space and tried to make others remember their manners as well. Mostly, though, the people just stared at Jared with horrified expressions and some still with their phones directed at him, most probably videoing the whole thing to show to their friends so that they could all feel better about themselves. Even Ben felt like biting at someone now however anti-social that might have been.

His grip on Jared tightened to prevent any more incidents while yelling overhead of Jared, who now was smiling from his score whilst he was being whisked away, for people to clear out.

Security came and vacated the area the best they could as ambulance medics seized the room. Not long after Jared was sat down (wrestled down, which ever term you prefer) to a wheelchair paired with padded ankle, chest and wrist cuffs. Jared tried his best to wrangle free out of them but only ended up creating red friction marks on himself. A medic (carefully) jabbed Jared in the neck with a tranquilizer shot which quickly let up most of the tension from his body. The fists that had been clenched so tightly that they pulled on Jared's skin and made his knuckles white, relaxed against the metal armrests and so did the muscles on his face from a frown to more neutral one. Only the demented grin remained plastered on his bleeding lips.

Will was watching him a few feet away like everyone else, who were still allowed to stay in the room and stared at him with their horrified expressions from a safe distance. However, Will simply looked saddened and sympathetic as he watched Jared be wheeled away into the ambulance, almost like he would have known this would happen. He doesn't say a word though. later he just calls home and gets a car to pick him up. The director was by his side, talking on the phone, looking very anxious and worried. However, he didn't even spare a glance in Jared's direction. He was worried for himself.

Jared's co-actors watched the scene unfold before their eyes in horror but also with compassion. Ben wasn't among them. He was outside right beside the medics as they took Jared to the ambulance and secured him to the car before they'd hit the road. The medics tried to tell him that he wasn't allowed to come on the ambulance but Shannon, who had rushed to the convention center as soon as he had heard the news and who was now sitting right beside his brother on the side of the ambulance, told them to let him in - he was a friend of theirs by now after all. At that, Ben simply pushed through the nurses and jumped on the back, telling the reluctant medics that they were just stalling Jared from receiving help by trying to keep him at bay. The medics had had enough by then too and decided to just let it go and got them on the road.

Jared wasn't there at the time to remember any of this, however. Not to mention how he only looked half the delirious that he actually was. Ben remained by his side with Shannon all the way to the hospital and kept by his side even in the ER until they were told to step back so that the doctor could do his work. Jared was taken to a more private room in the ER section seeing the paparazzi had even managed to get their heads in to the hospital. Ben and Shannon took their business away from them to a small cafeteria to get some peace and quiet.

The shirt Jared had been wearing was taken off of him by the nurses as the blood on it had got all crusty and simply unsanitary. His arms and legs now were restrained to a hospital bed so that the doctor could work on him without fearing he might lash out on him even through the heavy dose of sedative.

The female doctor inspected the damage carefully at first and Jared noticed how she couldn't keep away the hint of grimace that blessed her face just for a second as she looked over gruesome gashes still dripping with blood. She recovered very quickly, though, like she was supposed to - she was a medical doctor after all -and then took out some sort of cleaning wipes and antibacterial ointment from a nearby table.

"Alright, I'm going to clean these wounds first. This might sting a bit", she warned before using the wipes and first cleaning out the blood around the cuts before dabbing carefully over the actual wounds to reduce the bloody mess so she could properly pay attention to them. A nurse held Jared's head in place gently by the jaw and his temple while another stood right beside them and prepared wound covers for the doctor. Jared couldn't help but hiss in pain when the wipes went over the cuts. He strained his head backwards as to get away from the pain and so the nurse's hand pulled on his hair as he kept him in place.

That in turn caused a searing pain to run through Jared's whole body and he let out a bloodcurdling scream and struggled against the restraints.

"What did you do?" the doctor asked the nurse in confusion and concern as he quickly took his hands off of Jared. "I'm sorry! I don't know. I was just holding his head in place like you asked me to. Then he turned it and... I don't know what happened", the nurse explained with a horrified expression. "Just don't hold him so tightly. Be more careful. I still need to stitch his wounds, too, and he can't be trashing then", doctor responded and went back to cleaning.

The nurse went back to holding Jared's head but by instinct he held it this time from where he wasn't touching his scalp. Jared's eyes opened again and they were bright and wide and very wild. They were fixated on the doctor before him in caution and agitation. His hands were clenched into tight fists and his whole demeanor kept trembling, however, he didn't look like he was going to lash out immediately. There was still a strong chance for that though. The nurse holding him became wary with fear as he had to keep his careful stance for so long on such an unpredictable, dangerous patient while the doctor cleaned the wounds.

"Well, the cuts aren't too bad after all. They are fairly clean, only an inch or so in length. They are deep, though, as they go through the cheeks all the way. They'll need a lot of stitching but that should be enough and won't leave much scarring", the doctor told Jared even though he was barely with them. She was still wise enough not to mention that the scarring definitely wouldn't be as bad as with the Ledger Joker so they didn't have to worry about that. Maybe she would tell that joke to her boyfriend later when she got home if she remembered.

"I'm going to administer a local anesthesia to your cheeks and stitch the wounds. This will sting just a little bit. Please, try to hold still for me. We're just trying to help you. No reason to worry", the doctor said with a tired sigh before gently pricking the skin around the cuts to numb the area.

Jared looked cautious and rather scared but the sedatives kept the actual terror and panic just beneath the surface and he just clenched his fists tighter. When the doctor came back up with needle and a threat, though...

They decided it was best to put him to sleep so that they could work on him without worrying about him accidentally hurting himself in the process. When he woke up about two hours later it was seven pm in the evening. Shannon and Ben and a couple of guys from work were with him in the room and they were discussing about the events that had happened and what needed to be done about it, how the public should be informed about the situation and just about Jared.

"He had looked so pale on the panel and now he's looking even paler... I should have told him to go home and go get some rest", Ben muttered with his head in his hands. "And he had asked for me for some aspirin before that but I didn't have any and neither did I tell him to go home to rest. No one can predict these things. Who could have known he would drive of the bent right this day, no one. It's nobody's fault", the producer said with a shrug of her shoulders. "But it's not his either. How could have he known it to get this worse either? He was just trying to do his job" Ben said right back.

Jared's mind still felt hazy as he regained his consciousness but it seemed like the few hours of sleep, artificial even if it was, had done some good for him. He felt very sluggish, though, as the anesthesia hadn't completely diminished yet from his system but also just calmer. Shannon was the first one to notice him opening his eyes and he leaned in so that Jared could see him better.

"Hey, Jared... How are you feeling, baby brother?" he murmured softly and rubbed Jared's shoulders gently. Ben and the others quieted down as they noticed this and watched the interaction between the brothers closely in caution and wonder.

Jared's brows turned into a frown as he tried to gather his surroundings and remember what exactly had went down earlier. Wound covers had been placed on the cuts on either side of his cheeks. His blue eyes were slightly pink around the edges as the blood vessels in his eyes had broken earlier which had caused them to bleed so badly. They had healed up quite quickly though and it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been before.

Jared really had suffered quite the nervous breakdown, the doctors had told them.

"How long do you think it's going to be until he's fit enough to continue working again?" One of the workers, another producer it sounded like though Jared couldn't identify who exactly, asked the others. "I don't know... What's really worrying is how we're going to handle this situation with the press and the audiences. Don't mention our financiers... He bit of the paparazzi!" another one mumbled in return in an heated tone. That was when Ben found himself having to cut in with a outraged voice. "Hey, why don't you shut the up for a moment and focus on your employee laying on a hospital bed right now? Let the publicists do their job and you do your job", Ben snapped to them who then silenced quickly, muttering out quiet apologies to him.

Jared would have felt heartened to hear Ben defending him like that but right now he couldn't much concentrate on more than one thing at a time. His vision still remained pretty blurry even as hard as he tried to focus on his brother who looked at him with great sympathy. Jared opened his mouth to say something but the hurting in his cheeks halted him. He swallowed, painfully with his dry as a desert throat, before trying again but this time he talked basically just through his teeth.

"Wha's goin' on?" he asked and blinked a few times to get his eyes to work better. Shannon smiled sadly at him.

"You're in the hospital, Jay. You caused quite the scare at the panel when you cut open your cheeks. But don't worry, you'll be alright. They've given you the best treatment here, they stated that themselves. Another doctor is going to come see you in the morning to talk to you about what had happened so that they'll understand what had happened there and how to prevent it from happening again. They'll move you to another room from ER before that so you can get a proper night's good rest, okay", Shannon explained to him slowly.

"I wan' 'o go home", Jared said and shut his eyes from the white lights filling the room which were nothing but sharp daggers shooting towards his retina. He tried to rub his eyes to clear them from the blurriness but he could only tug on his arm as it was still cuffed to the bed. Jared looked down to the restraints in annoyance and slight confusion and tugged them tiredly some more as if it would help.

"Get thes' off, Shan...", he told his brother but he wouldn't comply. Shannon just looked at him with that sad small smile and sorry eyes. "I can't, Jared. They told me that these are for your own protection so that you wouldn't hurt yourself", he said and then in an apologizing manner he made the worst mistake he could've that whole day.

He stroked the green hair back comfortingly but then that alone was enough to raise a backlash out of Jared. His back arched off the bed and his whole body strained against the restraints as he tried to get away from the pain coursing through his very veins from the green hairs of his scalp to his curling toes.

"AAAH!" he screamed out, hoarse voice breaking through it while something else was also breaking as he expanded his mouth wide open. Shannon retrieved his hand as soon as Jared's eyes had shut in the extreme pain but it didn't help one bit anymore. What had been done had been done.

Nurses rushed in to room from hearing the horrific screams even through the tiled, sturdy walls. They crowded the bed as Ben and the other had already jumped right up in scared worry and to give them more space.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Shannon asked them as they tried to get Jared to settle back down on the bed and to stop screaming so that he wouldn't hurt his cheeks and open the stitches when doing so.

And completely out of character Jared shouted at the same nurse who had previously held him place when the stitching had been performed and yelled at him in hoarse voice through the screams. "I'll fucking kill you! I'll kill all of you if you touch me again! Get the fuck away from me!"

Jared's face was full of raging hot fury, his still bloody teeth bared and ready to snap at more fingers, probably completely off this time, and it was all horrifying. He was fighting against the restraints and the nurses backed off as soon as they had done what they had needed to. Shannon backed down some more, too with his mouth open in shock.

"Did you touch his hair?" the nurse asked him hurriedly while administering more sedatives and painkillers through the IV tube to calm him down. Shannon watched it all with trepidation just like the others. "Uh, yeah, I just stroked his head and he just started convulsing and screaming suddenly", he answered. "Was it my fault?" he then asked dreadfully.

The nurse turned to him after they had managed to get Jared to stay down again, and simply sighed for a second before talking. "We can't say for sure what's wrong with him yet, we're still going analyzing the blood samples, but it seems like there's some over-sensitivity to his scalp so you should try to be as careful as you can around him", he answered and then went back to looking through Jared's vitals.

In a minute or two Jared had already calmed down significantly, no longer screaming or even struggling to get up, and his eyelids were drooping closed. Only his chest was heaving from the sudden exercise. When the nurses left them, Shannon went back over to his brother, Ben right by his side, and leaned in so that Jared could see him better but this time not as close as before. But Jared looked a lot more like himself again so Shannon was greatly relived though still hesitant to get very close to him. He just gently held Jared's arm and rubbed his thumb against the elbow. Exhausted blue eyes followed onto him lazily. It was clear Jared wasn't aware of what he had just said or done. He hadn't just been in his right mind from the pain. Still Shannon's heart broke a little bit as he watched his brother strapped to a hospital and act so uncontrolled that was so abnormal for him.

"Hey, I'm so sorry, Jay. I didn't know... It's alright now. We're gonna fix this. You'll fine, don't worry. You just rest now, I'll stay right here and be here when you wake up", he promised him.

"I'm staying, too", Ben said seriously but caring, laying a warm hand on Jared's restraint covered ankle. Shannon looked over to him with an understanding look. Jared's eyes stayed open for just a couple of more seconds which was enough for him to give Ben the widest smile Ben had ever seen grace the man's face. And despite it being a smile, it instead sent cold shivers down his spine. But then Jared was out like a light and there was nothing more left to say.

* * *

 The next time Jared woke up there was just Shannon and Ben sitting around the bed he was still cuffed to, heads in their hands, snoozing away. The lighting was dim in the room, the window on their right shining faint light. It must have been early in the morning.

Jared could finally see clearly. It was easier to get his eyes to adjust to dimmer lights. Also this time it was a lot less noisy. It felt calm. There was just the beeping of the heart monitor he was hooked to.

He looked around himself leisurely to get a grip of the situation. There was a dull ache to his slip cheeks, his mouth tasted of tangy blood, the skin under the restraints was irritated and scratched, his head continued to feel sore, his brain was aching and working his limbs felt like trying to move a mountain. But he wasn't concerned with all of that. It didn't bother him like it would have usually. Instead he was concentrated on getting out off the straps tying him to his place and forming some kind of a plan to get out of here.

Jared wasn't interested in staying in a hospital. He'll see a doctor when he decides to do so. Right now, he just wants to get home and fast. Before that though, maybe he could figure out something to do to those nurses who had so kindly abused him with their care...

But first: the restraints.

Jared looks down to right restraint on his wrist and gives it a little tug. That obviously doesn't do much other than raise a squeaking sound. So he tries twisting his wrist slowly to ease it out of the strap. It can't be too tight and he hasn't got that large of a hand that this wouldn't work. Once he has freed his right arm, he can easily work on the other three.

Then out of the corner of his eye, Jared spots another pair watching him.

"Jared", Ben says quietly with a husky voice from sleep. Jared stops, and settles back on the pillow in quiet submission. There's a sly smirk to his lips however which Ben doesn't like much at all.

"Do you want some water?" Ben asks him after a while of having a silent stare-down with him. Jared nods contently.

The smile is ever so present even when Ben helps the paper-cup to his lips and tips it down to let out the cool liquid flow. Blue eyes are fixed on him as he does it, it makes Ben a bit uneasy. When Jared's finished, Bruce throws the cup to the trash and walks back to take a seat next to him. Shannon is still pleasantly dozed off.

"Are you feeling alright?" he decides to ask seeing there's not much else to say and he can't handle the weird vibe Jared's giving him right now. But the man just nods again instead of saying a thing and continues to stare at him. Bruce rolls his shoulders and cracks his neck a bit while looking away to get some relief from the intense eyes.

"Do you want me to call in the nurse? Tell them you're awake?" Ben suggests casually as he tries to get over the uncomfortable atmosphere that fills the very air between them. Jared shakes his head this time and whispers a small, soft "no" for further attestation. Ben accepts that though he feels like it'd be better to have the nurses come and check-up on him now that he was awake. But there probably wouldn't even be much that they could do even if they did. The doctors still didn't seem to have a diagnosis for Jared even after Ben had explained to them in great detail what had happened at the panel and how Jared had acted before it, complaining about having a headache, and how he had managed to hurt himself and the things he did afterwards.

They just said it was only a matter of time before they would have a proper analysis of his blood and what might be up with him. Before that, they could just treat him as another ER-patient like any other.

"Alright then. You'd better just rest then. It's still early", Ben says and leans back against the chair to relax in order to get some sleep again. Jared looks at him, that smile on his face unwavering, but then a few seconds later, he turns his head and gazes up to the ceiling. "You too", he says, grin still in place, before closing his eyes with a satisfied expression but the tugging on the corners of his lips finally letting go.

Ben sighs out quietly and crosses his arms over his chest before letting his head loll over his chest and shuts his eyes.

* * *

It's a quarter past ten in the morning and they are in a professional looking office. Jared sits on a plush, black leather couch with Ben and Shannon on his either side. Jared had feeling nervous the second he woke up in the morning. Shannon had quickly alerted the nurse to give his brother some painkillers because it seemed like Jared didn't quite even remember what had happened the previous day and why his cheeks were aching like the rest of his body and he was strapped to a bed. The medication had cleared out and Jared could finally think properly but now he was also more alarmed than ever after being told what had happened at the panel. 

Jared's knee kept bumping up and down from stress.

Ben and Shannon stayed rather silent throughout the whole procedure. Firstly for not really knowing what to say. The second reason had to do with them not wanting to agitate Jared further by disturbing him although with only good intentions in mind. Shannon would sometimes squeeze Jared's shoulder a bit in a try to comfort him but when Jared seemed to only flinch from the pressured touch, he stopped with that one as well. Ben would in turn whisper casually about things being "alright" and that Jared was "safe" however none of it seemed to get through to Jared. He just kept whipping his head around to keep an eye on everything possible.

The doctor arrived immaculately on time which was a first time for them all. He was dressed in a smart grey suit and held very professional looking square shaped eyeglasses on top of his nose. His graying dark hair was styled back but nothing extravagant. He addressed them all with a polite nod and a greeting but kept his eyes focused on Jared who in turn glared in his direction in defense. Jared couldn't stand to have all people stare at him like that - like he was some wild animal locked behind a cage open to gross inspection and judging. He was on the edge and to have people constantly watch him like that so especially much here... it made him just want to pull out his hair.

His knee stops jerking when he meets with the doctor finally.

"Hello, Mr Leto. I am Doctor Strindberg. I heard you had a bit of an incident yesterday at a film conference. Why don't you tell me what happened so I can get a better understanding of it. That is if your not in too much pain to talk of course," he asked in a steady and firm but a gentle voice as he took out a chair from behind a large oak desk which he then planted in front of Jared so that he could sit down but still look at him directly. He took out a notepad from his brown leather case and clicked open a fancy black pen ready to be used.

Jared glanced at the case that was set down next to the chair. For some reason, for it being brown alongside with the grey suit which was paired with brown leather shoes and black socks, it created a vision of the doctor being a rather modest man who kept things simple but neat and highly professional. This deemed him a too good of man from the superficial perspective and so Jared waited for him to reveal himself to be a horrible man on the inside.

"I cut my cheeks", Jared stated in a rather rude, blunt tone. The doctor's face did not waver for a second by his hostility and blunt remark. What he did look into was how Jared didn't seem to pay any attention to how wide he was opening his mouth and how he might be hurting himself by doing so and ripping out the stitches. But maybe it was just for the while now as he was probably dosed with strong pain killers.

"That is as much as I've gathered, yes. From what I heard from Doctor Kyle, it thankfully needed just a few stitches. What I would be interested to know is how this managed to happen", he continued while still expressing sincere interest and appropriate concern for him by his expression.

Jared really didn't want to talk at the moment however. Things still remained rather hazy for him in his mind about what even had happened now about a half an hour ago. Also his vision was becoming blurrier again and he tried blinking to clear it but nothing would work. Also his hands began shaking a lot harder then too like he wanted to punch someone really badly.

"Who are you?" he bit out in a harsh tone and although his vision wouldn't focus properly again, his eyes still shot daggers in the doctor's direction with all his might.

"I'm Doctor Strindberg. What do you mean, Jared?" the doctor asked in confusion with a frown deepening between his brows while he wrote something in his notebook. Ben and Shannon looked at each other and the doctor in bewilderment.

"You're not a medical doctor though, are you now?" Jared said while leaning in. Shannon's hand went to take hold of his brother's automatically but kept the grip loose.

The doctor seemed to understand the issue and his frown eased off a bit. He straightened his back against the sturdy chair though to retain some of his confidence and self-esteem. "I am a psychiatrist from the San Diego Mental Health Care Unit. I've come here to evaluate your disposition before you will be you'll be transferred back to Los Angeles but where there is up to how we evaluate your mental well-being at the moment."

Jared started laughing at that, his lips slipping into a wide, toothy smile. It was actually quite a terrifying sight and Shannon's hold tightened in precaution. The laughing went on for too long to be taken a basic spontaneous reaction and the doctor saw it to be in fact a mocking gesture on him. When it eventually did finish, Jared still kept on smiling looking pretty satisfied with himself.

"I knew it", he whispered with the grin still plastered on his face as he leaned backwards against the couch's back.

"The medical doctors, including Doctor Kyle are still studying the situation but what they have gathered so far is that your scalp has endured some sort of a burn from a harmful chemical compound they have yet to discover. They believe it must have been caused by the dying of your hair green. This compound also might have entered his bloodstream through the skin. They'll be giving you different solutions to see if they can drive the possible compound out of your system but it's going to take some time. They're also not sure what might be the affects of this chemical but they are currently working on it", the doctor informed them then.

That was when Jared had had it.

Impossible. Unbelievable! So what this liar of a "doctor" was basically telling him was that this all had been that damned director's fault who had unnecessarily hurried with the hair dyeing process and recruited an incompetent hair stylist who then burned his head with chemicals which were clearly not all that safe to use and now it had caused him to go batshit crazy in front of thousands of people and apprehend his whole career by doing so. And also now he had CUT his cheeks like a fucking lunatic and couldn't even go home now because the doctors thought he was crazy.

And the director had the nerve to accuse him of being a fucking idiot...

Jared sprang off the couch with rage fueled energy and grabbed onto his damned green hair and pulling it hard from the very roots of it causing his skin to feel like it had been set alight. But Jared kept tugging because he wanted it all gone. He wanted this all to be just a fucking nightmare and be done with it. He never wanted anything like this to happen. He wanted to kill the director.

"That fucking piece of shit, he deserves to fucking die! It's all his fault!"

The pain in his head grew so massive that his mind felt like it was completely numbed out in fact. His vision may have been blurry and mind hazy but the anger moved his muscles and he started screaming uncontrollably, jaw opening up as far as it could go.

The doctor was out of the door as quick as a lightning to call the nurses again and Shannon and Ben were trying to untangle his hands from his hair and to get him to sit and calm down. Jared was having none of it.

Strange chuckles began to erupt from his throat between the screams of pain and frustration while he was beginning to lose his consciousness from the pain he no longer could feel.

Shannon and Ben were horrified for the lack of a better word. They tried their hardest and finally they succeeded in getting Jared's hands out of his hair and hold them to his shaking sides. Ben pinned Jared against his chest to hold him down while Shannon tried to say comforting words to his brother in trying to soothe him if just a little bit, but nothing sensible could go through his mind anymore. Jared kept laughing and screaming creating a twisted, disturbing sound. His gruesome smile grew only wider and eventually it ended up splitting his cheeks and pulling the stitching out. Fresh blood stained the white bandages over them. Fortunately the nurses flooded the office by then.

They jabbed a sedative into his neck and Jared's vision quickly blackened which was soon after followed by the laughter dying out and his whole body giving out in Ben's arms.

Doctor Strindberg watched the scene come to its closure from by the door and wrote down into his notebook. The psychiatrist had been watching them with a close eye as he hadn't been able to get this much information from Jared himself and made some notes again inconspicuously in the background so that he could make the decision of further care in order for Jared to receive the appropriate treatment in Los Angeles. After that he was only left with packing up his case. 

* * *

 Jared's eyes opened to see white. White ceiling, white walls, white floor, white bedsheets. And yet again: white restraints.

This was not where he had been earlier. This room was smaller and it only hosted the very bed he was strapped down to. There was one window opposite to the door which was on the same wall as his head was pointing to. There also wasn't all that much noise coming from the door either like usual. As Jared turned to look at it and the white light that came through the narrow gap between the sturdy door and the wall, he noticed something even more peculiar.

There was something on his face. Specifically over his mouth and nose region. A mask that went all around to his ears and was strapped in place tightly. When Jared tried opening his mouth to shake off the thing, he found that he couldn't do just that. Open his mouth. It went under his jaw as well. There were airholes on the mask so that he could breathe at least but it was worrying nonetheless.

Then the door opened. A sharp sound of a peep and a click of a lock opening before a middle-aged woman entered the darkened room dressed in white.

"Good morning, Jared", she greets him when she notices he's awake. "It's seven am on a Tuesday and there's a beautiful weather outside today. I'm Jennifer, your personal nurse, but what you really must wondering about is where you are", she says and smiles fondly at him with a small, kind chuckle.  "You're currently Gatways Hospital and Mental Health Center in Los Angeles. You've been administered here by Doctor Strindberg and our head of psychiatry Doctor Bowen. But for now... thirsty?" Jennifer asked then with a sweet smile. 

Jared's jaw would have dropped if it could have. 

* * *

 

[The mask](https://fi.pinterest.com/pin/362891682457407062/) looks something likes this but the chin piece is white (I saw an artpiece done of it and just really loved it for some reason and decided to go ahead and add it).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toodles


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Graphic acts of violence at the end of this chapter!
> 
> I wish I could just fuck all with these angsty sort of chapters and get straight to the fluff but man, we gotta pull ourselves through this confounding shit first. Just bear with me. And no, Jennifer isn't exactly the most professional type that nurses come in. So try to overlook the slightly not so politically correct speech.

"Here you go, take it slow. I'm afraid I cannot remove the mask before Doctor Bowen evaluates you and gives us the a-okay. It's there just to make sure you won't damage the stitching again. The cuts suffered a bit from that and will need a longer time to heal, but you don't have to worry about it. It's all good now as long as you don't open your mouth too much", Jennifer the nurse explained while helping Jared drink some water through a straw which then went through one of the airholes in the mask. 

After Jared has been able to water the desert inside his throat a bit, he begins to wonder when exactly he got there. What day had the nurse said it was today? Thursday? But the convention had been on Monday. Had he slept through almost two days straight? It was like there was just a black hole where should have been at least some sort of hazy memories of Tuesday and Wednesday. He couldn't quite gather his thoughts on what had happened in between his... incident on stage, being strapped to a bed next to a pitiful Shannon and then waking up here. What had even happened to land him to a psychiatric ward? And when had he managed to get flown back to Los Angeles?

There were more than a few questions flying through Jared's head but none which he could ask right now with the mask in place and all. It was rather disturbing being tied down like this like he was dangerous in some way. Jared really couldn't fathom a good enough reason for the measures the staff had went to to secure him. Oh God, he hadn't hurt anyone, had he?

Jennifer put away the empty Styrofoam cup to a small, metallic table trolley that's filled with different sorts of whatnot she had with her and turned around to smile at him again. 

"I'll go notice Doctor Bowen that you've woken up now. Breakfast will be served to your room in a few, you must be starving. You're looking quite pale, too. Well, it's nothing that can't be fixed with good old hearty oatmeal!" she says with a carefree laugh. "You just rest until Doctor Bowen gets here. I'll see you in a bit then", she said and waved goodbye as she exited the room with the trolley behind her. The door closed with a click. 

Jared turned his gaze to the window through which bright yellow light flowed in to the room. Jared's senses had been on overdrive and to catch the rays of the sun in the morning reminded him it was still the planet Earth which his feet were stapled to and everything would be fine as long as he kept himself calm. Nothing could hurt him here, he was safe. He was just confused and his mind muddy but all of that would clear out once he would meet the doctor. He would be fine. He would get to go home in no time. This was just a standard procedure for sure. He would just need to keep the stitches in check and let the cuts heal in peace. Everything would be fine. He just needed to calm down. Just calm down...

* * *

It couldn't have been too long but nevertheless Jared's eyes had managed to shut and he had eventually dozed off. The click of the door opening awakened him from his light slumber and through a slightly blurry gaze he saw a tall man wearing a long white coat with Jennifer at his tow. He looked to be in his late fifties with his dark hair beginning to turn grey at the sides but he seemed quite youthful and in good shape considering his apparent age. He was wearing formal clothes underneath the doctor's coat. The small, polite smile he offered Jared seemed genuine and sincere enough for Jared to be able to keep his cool and not start to fidget underneath the straps holding him in place. He wanted to look as collected as he could. Freaking out couldn't help him at getting the hell out of here. The doctor inspected him with an attentive look when he spoke to Jared. 

"Good morning, Mr Leto. I'm Doctor Bowen. I hope you aren't in too much pain; I had Jennifer administer you a pain reducer for the wounds on your mouth while you were still asleep so that your rest wouldn't be bothered by it", he said with a soft but a resilient voice. Jared shook his head. He didn't really feel much at all, all of his limbs felt pretty numb probably from not having been used for a while. 

"So, I believe you have calmed down enough by now so that we can take off the restraints and the mask, yes?" 

The question held the statement that at one point Jared apparently hadn't been very calm however he had no recalling of that. Jared did want the mask off though as well as the straps so he nodded his head resolutely. 

Bowen looked at Jennifer with a smile and nodded his head towards Jared and so she went onto unstrapping him. A feeling of relief flowed over Jared when he could finally move his arms and legs again and he sat up slowly on the bed. Jennifer was a lot more careful and slower when she unclasped the mask and slid it off of him. Jared was almost about to stretch his jaw out to simply stretch the straining, tense muscles but the doctor was quick to intervene. 

"Remember not to open your mouth too wide. The cuts might not hurt yet but once you regain the feeling again, you'll remember to be more careful then. They're still very much in the process of healing. Which reminds me, after breakfast and shower, will you change the Mr Leto's bandages?"

"Yes, of course. Oh, morning Susan! Thanks! Alrighty then, breakfast is served", Jennifer said when the door suddenly opened again with an older female nurse behind it with a trolley full of food. Jennifer grabbed a tray from her and then put it down next to Jared on the bed. Jared felt a little tousled from all the hassle but thankfully some peace came by again when the door was closed. 

Dr Bowen kept his small, polite smile throughout the procedure and nodded at Jared to go ahead and start eating. However, Jared wasn't feeling particularly hungry. Or at least he didn't think he could make it stay down if he did. More than anything he felt anxious knots in his stomach and making him feel a little nauseous. 

"Thanks", Jared whispered nonetheless for the kind gestures and did take a tiny sip of the orange juice to clear out his dry throat a bit. Then he turned back to look at the doctor again hoping to get some sort of an explanation for the situation at hand. 

"Let's start with first things first. So, what do you remember from the past few days, Mr Leto, or may I call you simply Jared?" Dr Bowen inquired. Jared shook his head dismissively of all the courtesy. "Jared's fine", he responded quietly from not being able to open his mouth properly. "I don't really remember much after being dragged off the stage. The events are a little bit hazy in my minds. I don't remember anything afterwards from being in the emergency room", Jared told them a bit nervously, fearing what this might say about him to them. 

The doctor still didn't seem all that surprised to hear that, however, he didn't smile so much anymore. He looked at the file in his hands before speaking. 

"I see. Doctor Strindberg informed me that the hospital staff had to sedate you a number of times when you were under their care so the memory loss isn't exactly surprising and you shouldn't be all that worried about it. There were times, from what they've told me, when you were aware and alert but according to your brother and Mr Affleck who were with you at the time, you were behaving out of character. Aggressive and hostile, I was told. The morning after Doctor Strindberg's evaluation you had allegedly attacked a nurse who had been administering you painkillers after having re-stitched the wounds on your cheeks. There were copious other times before and after that you had reacted significantly antagonistic towards others. Do you have any recollection of this?" 

Jared was baffled to say at least. No, no, he did not have any recollection of any of that. What? No way, he couldn't have done any of that. Why would he do such things? He wasn't a violent person. Not in real life. 

Jared managed only to shake his head incredulously.

"Alright. Then do you remember what had happened at the panel before you were taken away?" he asked then. Jared furrowed his brows in concentration as he tried to recall. Only blurry, painful images flickered past his eyes that he could barely make out of any of it before it was all gone again. 

"I don't remember much more than having a splitting headache and then suddenly being dragged off the stage. Everyone was yelling and moving back and forward. I don't know... I don't know what happened", Jared told him helplessly with a shrug of his shoulders. That was when he noticed he was wearing some white, loose cotton trousers and a t-shirt that clearly weren't his. Someone had changed his clothes. 

"Okay. Thank you for telling us that. But you should know this, you don't have to worry about any of it, Jared. No one has been hurt by you're behavior from the last days. All that we are concerned about is what had happened to cause this change in your behavior, how to treat it and prevent it from happening again", Dr Bowen assured him and the gentle smile was back on his lips. Jared appreciated the effort of him trying to comfort him. 

"But I bet you're hungry by now. Our meals have always been praised for being very healthy and nutritious so I think you'll find yourself happy with this", Dr Bowen said then and clasped his hands together. "It's vegan, too! Your brother told us", Jennifer quipped with a grin. 

"Thank you. But to be honest, I'm not all that hungry really. I don't think I'm really up to eating right now", Jared said apologetically and offered the tray back to Jennifer. Dr Bowen frowned at that. 

"Can you tell me when was the last time you ate, Jared", he said quizzically. Jared shrugged again, having to go back in time quite the bit. "Uh, I guess the day before the panel", he mumbled out eventually scratching at the slight stubble grown on his jaw. 

"Do you have any history of eating disorders?" Dr Bowen followed up like it wasn't out of nowhere. This whole morning Jared had been feeling like he was in the middle of some kind of a car accident just waiting to happen. The collision looming in the horizon. 

"No?" he answered blatantly wishing he hadn't made it sound like such a question when the doctor's brows only furrowed more, a crease between them darkening. Jared had the odd thought that his doctor's well-maintained, youthful looks were becoming ruined because of him. 

"Well, hopefully you'll still eat something, at least the berries. You are looking awfully pale. A proper diet is one of the key points in maintaining good mental health which you must already know. Don't let yourself become too weak or we'll have to resort to a nasogastric tube", he said sounding a lot more stern than he had before. Jared quickly nodded along in concur definitely not looking to get some tube inserted down his nose passages to his stomach. 

"Our next appointment will take place in my office tomorrow at midday when we'll discuss more and you'll have a better understanding of what has happened and how we shall proceed from here. In the meantime you'll have some time to get yourself settled in here. Jennifer will show you to the showers after you're done with breakfast", Dr Bowen said. "Have a good rest of the day, Jared. Jennifer", he said taking his leave with a nod to the nurse. 

Jennifer smiled after him before looking back to Jared. 

"Well then. Why don't you take a few bites and then I can take the tray back so you can have that shower. I bet a couple of days without a wash can drive anyone a bit nuts - well, I know it does with me", she chuckled, putting a hand over her mouth. 

The only problem with that comment was, however, that Jared showered daily and still shit had gone to hell. Well, if nothing else, Jared was glad that Jennifer could humour herself seeing he could barely even talk at the moment. 

* * *

Jared managed to have a couple of bites of the toast, a spoonful of the (good old hearty) oatmeal and ate the berries from the small, plastic bowl with Jennifer's enthusiastically encouraging incentive before he finally got to go to the showers and wash off all the grime that had lathered onto his skin from days of going through whatever weird shit he had that sometimes Jared actually felt fortunate to have forgotten most about it all. 

The corridor behind Jared's room was a spacious, pristine white hallway with the other long wall filled with windows that gave out a brilliant view into the green front-yard and the busy streets down below. 

There weren't many people in the corridor and the few that were didn't seem like people who might recognize him for which Jared was infinitely gracious for. But the showers were quite the trip away and there were a lot more people, patients/clients to be exact, to be walked pass before that. Jared tried to keep his gaze down and let his hair fall over to come and shield his face. However, that hair was green and even here it was a sight that grabbed some attention. 

Fucking hell, Jared really had become the Joker. Locked up in a mental ward with green ass fucking hair and apparently such a pale ass fucking face enough for people to start to wonder if he had dipped it in the paint that covered the very walls of this building. Not to mention cuts on his mouth that would put any actor who had played the character to shame. He had really gone full Joker and there was no going back, it seemed. 

The image of his director sprang into Jared's mind and he couldn't help the slight growl that escaped between his teeth as he thought about it. _Not what he had meant with going method..._

Jennifer, thankfully, was too busy greeting the other patients on the hallways to hear it. Jared didn't think he had ever met a person this tonic before. 

To Jared's relief, there was no one in the showers. Jennifer said that there were also private shower rooms but usually people showered earlier in the mornings so they were usually vacant at this time of the day. Then seeing a problem when it came to monitoring him (it was his first day after all and honestly he had done some questionably worrying things during the past few days of which he couldn't remember, so yes, he had to be on the watch the entire day), she called over a darker skinned, male nurse to go into the showers with him to look over the procedure. He had curly, dark hair and caring eyes. 

"Dean", he introduced himself and Jared nodded with a tiny smile feeling slightly embarrassed again. _Don't you dare blush in front of this hunky, black man with eyes so chocolaty that you could eat them._ Jennifer handed him a pair of flip-flops and a white, surprisingly fluffy towel, a fresh set of clothes and then sent him off with Dean with a smile (and was that a wink?!).

Dean advised him to leave his clothes and other stuff on the long counter opposite to the showers and Jared did, feeling every bit as exposed as he literally was. But what else could he possibly do? He slipped on the flip-flops and got into one of the shower stalls. They were spacious and clean and the water pressure just fine, however, the shower curtain was see-through, just blurry enough to give some privacy but not nearly enough. But I guess that was understandable in certain situations. Jared still didn't think this was that type of a situation for it to be so unquestionable normal for Dean to just get to look at his skinny, bare ass with those chiseled arms crossed over his broad chest. 

There was some unfragaranced, liquid soap in a bottled attached to the white tiled wall. Jared washed his body first, looking forward to getting off all the sweat and other whatnot he had probably got on himself during whatever the fuck he had been doing lately. Piss was not on the list, mind you still. He found himself washing in a very chaste but quick way with Dean so close by. 

The skin around his wrists and ankles was chafed and irritated red. Jared didn't even dare to put his face directly in the way of the water because of the cuts and instead cupped his hands and collected some of the water there to wash his face, around the bandages. Then it was time for his hair. 

Fuck, was it still going to hurt? There was that certain burning feeling to his scalp even with the pain medication still running through his bloodstream. But maybe if he was really careful he could wash it a bit...

Jared didn't know how he had got to this point but he's on the ground on his knees and has his hands wrapped around Dean's throat. He looks up from Dean's horrified, brown, brown eyes in wonder and sees himself in the whole-body mirror in front of him. 

That's not him... Something's wrong. The image is distorted. The bandages on his cheeks are beginning to turn red, blood dripping on white skin from underneath them. His green hair is wild and disheveled, head no longer aching though. He's still nude but he isn't focused on that, only on how his hands tighten even more around the dark, silky smooth neck underneath him. Jared's eyes bore into his own ones through the mirror and all he sees in them is green mania. And he's fucking smiling. He's fucking _laughing!_

But Dean is bulkier than him and eventually he gets his weight distributed so that he can tackle Jared down onto the ground to grab his wrists. He's panting harshly with adrenaline probably bumping through him faster than ever before. He tries to move Jared's wrists so that he can hold them with just one hand so that he can call over help with his intercom that's fastened on his belt.

He lowers down a bit for a moment in exhaustion while turning his head to one side to repeat "code red" into the intercom. And when he does that and it's when Jared strikes. He closes sharp teeth around Dean's right ear and bites down, hard. 

He screams, the com falling out of his hand and the other also lets go of Jared's wrist to press on his bleeding ear. Jared spits out the piece he tore off and laughs, blood swimming in his eyes and painting his lips and teeth crimson. He sits up from where Dean had pushed him to and turns around to face the mirror. 

 _Perfect_. 

It's almost like lipstick. He's finally looking like himself again. 

Jared was admiring himself a bit longer in the mirror when he notices that Dean has managed to get up as well now. He's moving slow, limping really, probably due to having suffered some lack of oxygen in his body. He goes for the door to signal the others in but Jared doesn't think they're quite done here yet. 

He looks at the mostly empty counter for a second, notices the towel and goes to wrap it around his hips in languid motions for the sake of modesty and just warmth before lunging at Dean from the back and bashing his face into the white tiles of the wall. 

Dean drops down sluggishly at first, smearing red marks across the tiles but when he drops to his knees, he just flops sideways down to the ground with a sad little thump. 

That was fairly anticlimactic, Jared thinks with a pout as he stares at Dean's body laying at his feet, motionless and plain dull. Next time he should take more time and plan it better. He's a creative person after all. This is just _ignominious._  He feels almost ashamed for anyone to see _this_ as his work.

But that worry is gone soon as not a second later there's a prick at his neck and _everything_ is gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's something wrong with the end notes section of this work for some reason. The end notes from chapter one keep appearing in every chapter for some reason but try to ignore that. I've tried to figure it out but no. I'm no good at this. But I'd still appreciate the feedback!


	4. IV

The parking lot seemed to be filled to the brim but after a few minutes of wandering around Ben finally found a spot although quite it was the trip away from the Gatways Hospital. He parked his car and got out pulling a black cap over his head and sunglasses on his nose to give himself some coverage. Ben wasn't sure what to expect once he'd get to the center but he tried assure himself that whatever waited for him there, he could handle it. It was Jared after all. It was still just Jared no matter what had happened.

However, a lot had happened even after the convention. First off, the emergency room incident. Ben still couldn't explain what had caused Jared to lash out like he had to that poor nurse but thankfully he and Shannon had been close by and got him off of her in time before anything worse could have happened. All she had done was stumble from being grabbed suddenly and then fallen. If only she had fallen on the floor instead of right on top of him in his reach. 

Of course Jared must have been very frustrated to hear Dr Strindberg's info during the evaluation and considering how the doctors had been feeling so irresolute on how to treat him it'd have made Ben mad, too. But still they did find the right solution to drive that harmful compound out of his bloodstream by the end of the day and he had reacted to the treatment with great results. The compound had been gone in a matter of a few hours and his blood was completely clean by morning. And so the problem lay in how he still had become violent with that nurse out of nowhere after having his bloodwork done. 

He had had to be sedated once again, and in favor of Dr Strindberg's advice, Jared's next stop was this hospital where he had been flown by helicopter, sedated and once again and tied to the bed for good measure. Now standing here in front of this massive institution all glorious in its mightiness, although undeniably rather crude in its concrete structures, was very clean and up-kept looking throughout, Ben hoped that the doctor had been right about this. It didn't seem like the bad choice all things considered, though of course the best one would have been to be home by now in Jared's opinion, surely. _Home_ had been what Ben would have wanted to hear, too. Whenever he had had to watch his friend be restrained for his and others' protection, it brought up a very stark sense of discomfort in his whole being and pure sympathy for Jared's sake. Also at the same time it was all so confusing and made Ben feel utterly helpless. 

But if Jared's odd behavior wasn't due to physical implications, it could only be due to mental ones and so the doctors pressed upon that it meant home was and should be out of the question for now. Dr Strindberg had also stressed on the mannerisms that had struck to him as very "strange" and "equivocal" during his evaluation on Jared and argued that they should be overseen in a secure, controlled environment. And considerately a place close to his home as well so that his family could come see him if his stay would be prolonged. 

Shannon had signed the papers rather reluctantly even after he had been explained to that it was all for Jared's own good and safety. Ben could still understand Shannon's aversion for this decision very well. Neither did he want Jared to be admitted to a closed ward (without his own permission) but having seen what he had done and what he could do, he couldn't help but feel like it really must be for Jared's own best interests as for everyone else's to have some time away from everything else and be close to professional help whenever he needed it.

One still couldn't say this was something anyone had wished for. 

But this was as good a place as the came in at least. When Ben stepped into the lobby, he was amazed by the sheer volume of space and clean lines the building was made out of. There was a high glass ceiling, natural light filling the room, the many other floors visible when looking up. The architecture and design was modern and the technology being used there looked to be cutting edge equipment. And obviously very clean and white _._  

Ben found his eyes relaxing in the mere simplicity of it all. He could imagine one's mind calming down in a place like this very effectively. He hoped Jared had found it that way, too. 

Although come to think of it now, Ben had been informed how Jared had settled in, beforehand. The very first day after he had woken up he had become violent again attacking another nurse, this time much more seriously. The nurse had fortunately survived though much to everyone's relief. He did have to have a pretty long stay at his workplace afterwards due to suffering from a head trauma and with a part of his ear gone along with visible, tender bruises to his throat and windpipe.

However, Jared didn't come out of it completely unharmed either. He had pulled out his stitches again and now needed actual surgery to his cheeks. They said it would leave some more noticeable scars this time but obviously they would become more faint over time. Still, they would be a lot more prominent than they would have been before which Ben was certain Jared hadn't been too happy to hear. 

But having heard that even here Jared had managed to behave in such violent ways brought buckets of dread down his back. It had only been the first day and he had bit a part of a nurse's ear off for God's sake! 

It was unbelievable, for the lack of a better word. Ben simply couldn't believe something like this could have happened with Jared. That man had never shown to have any violent tendencies to his nature so Ben certainly was baffled to hear that he had done such awful things. Then again, it also made it easier to accept that maybe this was the best place for him to be right now. Imagine what he might do outside of professional care and supervision.

Ben trudged over to the reception desk and informed them his name, taking off his cap and sunglasses.

This was three days later since Jared's commitment. The first time he was allowed visitors. The usual protocol suggests that visitors should only be allowed after a week of the patient settling in but Jared's doctor, Dr Bowen, had said that perhaps they should try a different approach with Jared. Since he didn't seem to be settling in nor calming down on his own and reacted with such a vehement attitude they argued that maybe familiar people might help him ease into his new environment. 

Since Shannon nor Tomo couldn't come today due to a inevitable and undeferable legal meeting right this day to their utter disappointment and frustration, Ben was allowed the family visitor's badge which Shannon had granted him with. After all, they decided, Ben too had been through this whole ordeal from the beginning so he should be allowed to be there for Jared in the end as well which Ben was very honored to hear. 

The renewed protocol still stated that Jared was only allowed one visitor outside of family a day for the time being, preferably. A nurse who told her name was Jennifer, came to the lobby to take Ben to Jared's room. It was on the fifth floor, the seventh room on the South-East wing. The hallways were brightly lit from the sunlight pouring in through the multiple windows covering almost the entirety of the opposite wall to the rooms. The corridor was sealed off from both ends with glass doors which were locked with a code system. As they walked Jennifer explained to him what was what, where everything he should know about was, the protocol and such. She even shared a bit of the hospital's history to him though he had some trouble concentrating on that part. 

What really peaked Ben's interest, was what she told him about Jared. Her usually chirpy voice mellowed down a bit when she talked about him. It became more professional and objective which Ben could understand. That nurse Jared had injured probably hadn't been a complete stranger to her and she was probably having slightly mixed feelings about the patient whom she was caring for even though she tried her best to remain as neutral and unbiased as she could. I mean, it couldn't have been really Jared who had hurt her colleague. The disorder they were trying to treat him for here was to blame. She shouldn't take it personally, she knew that. 

"I should warn you, he's had a bit of a rough night. He's still under a heavy dose of sedatives and restrained so do not be alarmed if he doesn't seem all that aware at the moment. His senses are just a bit dulled down in order that he wouldn't react so aggressively and in turn hurt himself or others again. He also cannot properly speak to you due to the anti-bite mask he's wearing so that he won't pull or tongue his stitches nor, obviously, bite someone. But you can still talk to him, ask him questions even if he cannot answer to them yet. It's just good to for him to have someone he knows be there for him, conversing as casually as possible so he might start to feel a bit more comfortable here", she tells him as they stroll through the hallway well over halfway there, more like strolling by now.

"Yes, of course. But do you mean he has hurt someone after the last incident?" Ben asks dreadfully with his eyebrows knotted together. He tries to keep himself together even when hearing all this pretty terrible information so that he would be able stay strong for Jared. 

"No, no! There hasn't been an incident with anyone after that but we don't like to take unnecessary chances with him especially this soon when we still haven't quite figured out what's going on with him. He's not yet on medication that would treat all his symptoms because the disorder or disorders that are lying beneath them are still a bit of a mystery to us. He's just given what we know will help him calm down until Dr Bowen can make a proper diagnosis. He'll come talk to you about it more after you've talked with Jared"; Jennifer quickly comes to reassure him.  

"But you don't have to worry about any of that right now. You just go meet your friend and talk to him for a while. Remember, he's still the friend you know despite what the situation might be at the moment. Just talk to him about whatever you would usually talk about but do try to keep it pretty light for now still. Try not to aggravate him but remember that you don't have to be afraid of him or anything. Besides, Darryl is there with him right now, too, to make sure everything is fine with him and you can just ask him if anything comes up that you aren't so sure about", she says and stops when they've come to the right door. Ben simply hums in response with a tense nod. 

"There's nothing to be nervous about, Mr Affleck. He's under good care in here. These things can happen to anyone and they can pass as quickly as they came. You can be sure that your friend will come through to us in the end. All he needs to do is accept our help. Yours and ours", she adds with a reassuring smile and opens the door with a code locking system followed by a click. As she's opening the door, she stops abruptly and turns to him with a curious expression on her face for a moment. 

"Oh, and one more thing. It looks like he seems to only answer to being called _'Jay'_ so... keep that in mind", she says with a thoughtful pause as she looks at him with a puzzled expression. After earning an similarly odd look from Ben she nods towards the door that they were already poised to go through before. 

She stays back for Ben to walk in first with heavy feet.

"Jay, there's a visitor for you today. I'll let him introduce himself and leave you two to talk in peace."

The first thing Ben notices is Darryl, very toned and _burly_ man, leaning against the far-end wall with his hands crossed over his chest. He nods to Ben in greeting and Ben nods back stiffly.

What draws Ben's attention then is of course Jared himself. He's sitting cross-legged at the end of the white single bed and his right side is leaned against the wall. His back is to Ben which means Ben can view all the discreetly designed but clearly very secure buckles of the pristine white straitjacket he's wearing. It looks tight but fortunately not necessarily uncomfortable. Although, obviously it cannot be exactly comfortable not to be able to move your arms properly but at least he's not completely tied to the bed again. Nevertheless, it manages to shock Ben to his very core that he just stands there awkwardly for full ten seconds just staring at it. He hears the click of the door closing again in the background when Jennifer leaves.

When Ben comes back to earth, he slowly walks up to the lone chair that has evidently been placed there for this visitation next to the bed but a feet away from it.

From this side Ben can see the clear mask that goes around the entire lower-half of Jared's face, and surprisingly, seeing that is the hardest part. Even harder than the jacket. The poor man cannot even speak now. There's only room enough for him to open his mouth in order to breathe through the subtle airholes in the mask. The mask becomes only slightly vaporized from his breathing and so Ben can see the two strips of clean, narrow white bandage covering the cuts in his cheeks. 

Everything is so white about him from the background to his clothes to his unusually pale skin. Only his hair and eyes seem to hold some color. The hair is still brilliantly green but slicked up with something glossy and heavy looking. That must have been the medical ointment Jennifer said they used to treat burns on his scalp. She did however mention that the burns had already pretty much healed up entirely while he still had been in the hospital in San Diego since they hadn't been that bad to begin with.

The problem was that Jared still seemed to be in pain from them even now. This ointment was supposed to relieve some of the soreness and keep him from getting the aggressive attacks that seemed to be linked to that pain. Ben just hoped it worked. He didn't want Jared to be like this. Hurting and alone, restrained in blunt whiteness that was so contrary to his usually colorful and abundant personality. And Ben definitely didn't want to think about the causes for why he was restricted.

Ben honestly didn't know what to say without saying everything that was going through his head during this confusing time and that he very much couldn't say. He had to swallow a couple times before he could even fathom speaking. 

"Hey, uh, Jay... It's me, Ben", he introduces himself softly, carefully leaning slightly closer to him hoping Jared would turn to see him. Fortunately, Jared cranes his head toward him ever so slightly so that his blue eyes can meet Ben's. The look on his face, however, remains rather expressionless. Bruce nevertheless smiles to him graciously. "Hi", he says again, breathing a little easier this time.

"I know you can't speak at the moment but I have to ask if you are feeling alright. A-are you?" he admits and asks, feeling a bit helpless knowing this will mostly be a one-way conversation. But Jared nods slightly in response and Ben feels the tension in his gut easing. "Good to hear that. Really good to hear that", Ben responds truly relieved to hear that but has to pause for a second to figure out if there's any way he could try to make things a bit better still.

"I know this must not be easy for you to accept but I really think they might be able to help you here. It's a really good hospital, I looked up the reviews and everything", Ben says. Jared lowers his eyes then and turns his gaze back in front of him and makes Ben's heart plummet down quickly but then fortunately adds another tiny nod. Ben nods himself, too and then glances at Darryl cautiously before shifting a little, dragging the chair a bit closer to the bed.  

"I did hear that you had a bit of a rough last night along with your other difficulties in settling in here. Do you know why that might be? Do you know why... uh, why you did it?" Ben asks Jared hesitantly, making sure to have his voice sound as sympathetic and non-judgmental as possible but anyway tilts his head slightly, afraid for Jared's reaction even though Jennifer did say he would be quite heavily sedated.

Jared shuts his eyes for moment and Ben fears he might have crossed the line a bit too soon. But then Jared's shaking his head, looking helpless himself and more vulnerable than ever. Ben feels the utmost compassion for his situation and just wants to give him a big hug and take him home. After all, a part of all of this is on him, too.

"You know, I'm sorry. Really. I'm so sorry about what happened at the convention. I should have done something when you said you had that bad a headache. You didn't look right and I didn't take you seriously enough. I should have called for a doctor right there and then", Ben says, slumping over the hands on his knees. He sees Jared turning to look at him again and this time he's shaking his head a lot more vigorously and Ben looks up. Jared's frowning, gritting his teeth like he wants to say something. 

"You probably want to say it's not my fault, right?" The look on Jared's face is a response enough. "I know you - of course you don't think it's my fault. Still you must understand that I should have done something more. I so wish I had, you don't even know. But I promise you this, okay, I'll be a better friend for you from now on. I'm gonna look after you a lot more, Jay, and carefully. You don't have to worry about nothing. I'll be coming here to see you as often as they let me and when you get out of here, I'll ensure that you'll have a peaceful recovery away from prying eyes. I'll personally se  to that no one will disturb you with pointless shit from the media, the public or work. You can just relax and focus on recovering and settling back into your old life", Ben tells him honest and determined. A hint of repentance shines through also which Jared doesn't seem to like though it looks he at least appreciates Ben's good will. 

"Oh, and about Shannon, I'm sorry he couldn't come today. Remember when, well I don't think if you do, it was when you were taken backstage from the panel. There was a photographer, a real jackass he was really, and, well, apparently he came too close to you and antagonized you." This makes Jared look at Ben with his eyebrows knotted in that sad way when he clearly doesn't understand as he doesn't recall the situation.

"Well, basically, you bit his finger and someone got it on video and the pap was as stupid as to try and press charges on you for that.  But you don't have to worry about it, though, not at all. Your brother and Tomo, too, are taking care of all that and settling it with the guy with their lawyer. Honestly, there's no way the pap is going to get away with it. I mean, really it was all his fault. Really, it's he who should be paying up to you for disturbing you like that in your distressed state", Ben tells him in a casual way hoping not to stress Jared too much. He just thought he deserved to know why his brother wasn't there. He needed to know it at least had nothing to do with him being _here._  

"Also, if you're concerned about the incident that occurred here before, well, it was seen just as a symptom of the very case you are being treated here. A bad reaction, I heard them call it. The nurse is going to be fine and he isn't going to press charges and since you're already committed here, there wouldn't be much to do anyway. Basically, you have nothing to worry about. Even if there was something, we would take care of everything. I'm in constant contact with Shannon so that we're both on the same page. Later today we'll be seeing some of the PR-people and handle things with them with your manager. All you need to do is just focus on yourself and getting better. I hear Dr Bowen is a very proficient and capable psychiatrist. Jennifer said that once you're more stable, Dr Bowen will be able to talk to you about what's going on more thoroughly and then figure out how to help you", Ben says in hopes of comforting him and rests his hand on the bed, knowing it's the less risky option out of the two with the second one being to touch Jared himself. 

However, Jared doesn't look very consoled. He presses his head against the wall and goes expressionless again. 

"Shannon will be here with your mother on Wednesday when it would have been the first actual visiting hour for you. Tomo will come, too, if he can reschedule some appointment he should have had", Ben tells him hoping that's enough to lighten the mood. "I can come the time after that if you'll like as they don't allow more than one visitor outside family to a visit. I mean, as long as you want me here", Ben says, a bit more nervously now. 

Jared doesn't react in any apparent way, though, so Ben doesn't know what to think. His right foot is starting to faintly jump against the leg of the chair as silence falls into the room. He twists his hands in his lap.

"Jared?" he finally says when he starts feeling desperate, tilting his head to the side to see his pale face but his expressions remains even profoundly passive. Then he realizes he called him by the wrong name. 

"Ah, Jay?" he says again and this time Jared turns to look at him, however, the look he gives him is completely foreign to how he used to be. It's hostile - volatile. The passive expression he had worn before had moved off like a curtain revealing a whole other persona beneath him that was nothing Ben had ever seen grace Jared's complexion.  Well, apart from...

A sudden dangerous glint flickers in his narrowed eyes, pupils already contracted into tiny pinpoints, and the single thing that comes into Ben's mind is:

" _Joker?_ "

Ben notices Darryl step off from the wall out of the corner of his eyes first. Then a whole lot happens in just a few seconds. First Jared growls through his teeth at him threateningly but that's only before Jared full on full on lunges at him, jumping off the bed. His arms may be restrained but it seems he can still move his legs and torso just fine still despite the sedatives ( _how aren't the sedatives working?_ ). When Jared head swishes past him, Ben's suddenly grateful for the mask he's wearing because he would surely bite at his neck if there wasn't. But Jared's working past his limitations and he's getting enough leverage and stability on Ben's lap to hit his head with his own. 

Ben's reflexes save him though and he manages to grasp a hold of Jared's shoulders and holds him at an arm's length to keep him of from striking him with his head. But his lithe, long limbed body is struggling against Ben with all its nimble might that Ben's struggling, too. But partly the reason for that Ben's muscles don't seem to quite work but quiver under the fright.

Jared's so close to him now and the look in his eyes is crazed and frighteningly erratic and bloodthirsty and Ben can't bear it but also can't help but stare back. It's like driving onto train tracks with faulty breaks while knowing the train's nearing and is going to get hit. Desperate and terrified but foot still uselessly pressing on the breaks.

Fortunately, Darryl comes to rescue soon enough and helps to haul Jared away from Ben back onto the bed. He pushes Jared against the mattress and keeps his legs down with the weight of his two much heavier ones. He pulls out a syringe and with efficient practice gives Jared the shot to the only available bare part about him that is his neck while holding his torso down by the shoulders with his other arm. That's horrible to have to see as well but in mere six seconds, Jared's struggling halts completely and his ravenous body turns lax on the bed in Darryl's cautious hands. 

Ben watches the scene come its end frozen on the spot. The lower half of his body feels like it's made out of led while the top half is still on the edge from all the adrenaline. Ben sees how the frenzied look slowly melts from Jared's face, dripping back into its ferocious core and Darryl watches it happen, too, but with professional meticulous attention to ensure he's done his job correctly.

Ben remembers to breathe again with a heavy heart three seconds later as numbed blue eyes slowly turn back in their sockets and over them the thin eyelids flutter closed as Jared falls unconscious. 

* * *

Ben walks back into the hallway after Darryl has paged Jennifer and she came to open the door. Darryl is still too busy looking after Jared. He's strapping his already restrained body to the bed and the lump in Ben's throat feels like it wants to get out soon. His eyes are burning around the rims as the light that pours out of the multiple windows envelops him in the corridor and has to shut them for a while, sniffing a little as he rubs his forehead with his hand. 

Jennifer closes the door after talking with Darryl before coming to Ben's side and putting her hand on his shoulder in an effort to comfort him. "He'll be fine now. It was just another fit", she says and pats the hand on his shoulder. "Are you alright? I know that must have been tough for you to witness." Ben takes his hand away from his eyes and tries to get himself together with a deep breath. It turns out to be shaky.

"Yeah, I mean, well no. It's-", Ben needs to take another deep breath and rolls his shoulder back to gather a sense of his surroundings and situation. "I just feel so awful. Not just because I feel bad for him for having to go through something like this but also because I know some of that is to be blamed on me. God... I should have called him a doctor the second I could, he looked so strained then already. I should have done something, maybe then we wouldn't be here", Ben admits to her shaking his head in desperation. 

Jennifer comes closer into his line of sight with a compassionate but also a very knowing expression. "Mr Affleck, there is no knowing if calling a doctor would have helped much more at the time or prevented all of this from happening. To my knowledge, I don't personally believe he would be anywhere else than here right now in any scenario. This situation of his had already went that far by the time of the incident at the convention center that it came to its breaking point. If he was already that far-gone, there wouldn't have been much to prevent all of this happening even if someone would have called a doctor for him", Jennifer tells him with a firm look.

"There is no use blaming yourself here, Mr Affleck. Anyone could be put to blame but dwelling in the past is hardly useful. Only in the present we can focus on getting him actually better. All you should concern yourself about is taking care of yourself because I can see what a good friend you are to Jared and how you want to look after him but you cannot do that if you're mistreating yourself."

The nurse was definitely making sense, however, it didn't completely get rid of the guilty knots in Ben's stomach. But the least he could do was at least smile for her in appreciation. She smiles but back then looks over him to the other side of the corridor where Ben hasn't been to yet. He suspects it's where the common room is situated if he can remember correctly from Jennifer's earlier monologue. 

It's Dr Bowen. He's coming towards them in an imposing stride with his notepad tucked under his arm and greets them both and shakes Ben's hand firmly. 

"Hello, I am Doctor Bowen, Mr Leto's assigned psychiatrist. You must be Mr Affleck. It's good to finally meet you", he says and Ben reciprocates the formalities the best he can under the shock still wearing off of him after the latest incident concerning Jared. "You too", he responds acutely aware of how his voice still seems to waver slightly. He notices that light tension in Dr Bowen's eyes release slightly as his expression turns automatically more emphatic. 

"I'm sorry to hear what had just happened, Darryll gave me an update a few moments ago. I know I was supposed to come and talk to you about the situation concerning Mr Leto's mental condition but I'm afraid I must attend to him as soon as I can after he has woken up. However, there's still some time to spare, although I fear there's not much anything useful that I can tell you yet. These violent episodes that Jared has been having ever since he got here have unfortunately forestalled the evaluation sessions through which I could make a better understanding of his condition and so there isn't anything truly concrete I can say about it. But from what I have observed the past few days he has been with us is deeply concerning. I do not want to make you worried, it isn't anything we aren't able to handle here, but it is something we have to pay more attention to in his treatment and final diagnosis", he tells Ben with a soft but steady voice and looks at him with a warm, collected gaze. Ben can only nod numbly to whatever he seems to be listening to and so the doctor continues on.

"It may very well be that Jared has developed DID short for dissociative identity disorderwith one very aggressive and hostile persona that seems to surface whenever he is aggravated by pain or an irritant of a mental kind. This persona, in turn, could be diagnosed with either a psychotic, borderline, histrionic or even anti-social personality disorder or all of the above. This can be treated with the usual treatment plans of psychotherapy and antipsychotics if the patient is only willing to partake in the treatment. Sadly, from the statistics and my personal experience alone it can be said that it is usually quite difficult for people with a personality disorder to engage and maintain the required long-term course of treatment due to finding it unnecessary or ineffective. That is why it is almost impossible for me to work with Jared when his other identity is in control especially this early on when both of them are confused and irritated by our protocols", he explains carefully but it still almost manages to simply go by Ben's ears as he can hardly understand a word of what the doctor means.

"Of course we'll do our very best and I am positive we'll soon be making progress after I get to have a more in-depth conversation with Jared without the interruption from his other, less cooperative persona. After that also my diagnosis will be more clear and sound and so we can proceed with the right treatment. Nevertheless, I must confess, there is still something rather disturbing about Mr Leto's case. You see, Mr Affleck, all of these disorders I just recited to you begin to develop from a very young age when the mind is still learning who they are, if you'll excuse me the psychological term, when the ego is being developed", he tells Ben now with a fascinated and intrigued tone.

"And from what I've read from Mr Leto's medical records, he has had no such diagnoses unless the disorder, possibly disorders, have been underlying, dormant until they came to their tipping point in the form of the unusual chemical stimulus to his bloodstream though it has been distilled completely still back in San Diego. What I do not yet know is how long that stimulus had been affecting him before the breaking point and how which is something I must ask Mr Leto when we can finally have our first proper session. That information might give us some insight into whether his condition is something that has somehow managed to lie dormant through his whole life until now or perhaps it simply could be a change in his personality, although I doubt that possibility as there are so many other factors at question then. Still, there isn't much else I can say before that session", Dr Bowen says and shrugs his shoulders slightly in an apologizing manner. 

"Hopefully that will be soon", is all Ben can say now. "But thank you for telling me this much. It has certainly been very... informative."

Dr Bowen nods in polite gratitude of the thanks and then looks over to Jennifer. "Now, I'm afraid, I do must go and attend to Mr Leto's current position. I'll get in touch with you and the rest of his family as soon as we have more news, I promise. It was good of you to come and visit him, Mr Affleck", he says one last time while he goes to Jared's door and clicks it open and leaves them outside the room with a gentle, reassuring smile.

"I know this wasn't exactly the end for the visit any of us wanted to have but I'm glad that you could come and see him anyway", Jennifer says as she eventually walks Ben out of the ward and back into the lobby. He turns to her one last time and smiles sadly. "I know. I'll come back as soon as you'll let me again. You'll keep me paged on his situation so I'll know he's alright in the meantime, will you?"

"Yes, of course, Mr Affleck. And don't worry, he'll be carefully looked after here and I'm sure Dr Bowen will soon get to the bottom of this", she says. She waves her off as he walks out of the big glass sliding doors and makes his way back to the car. It's a windy weather outside and a strong gust of wind blows off Ben's cap but doesn't manage to lift the troubled thoughts from his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait again, guys but hopefully this chapter was good enough to compensate for some it. I tried me best.  
> By the way, I just searched for some hospital in LA that had a mental health ward and just made up the interior and shit because I'm not gonna go investigating further for something like this, okay? Okay.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just putting the same generation Letos to live in the same house, alright, 'cause I don't know where else. And I don't know, but I guess they have the studio in the house as well so Tomo's there all the time, too.  
> Either way, this is a bit of a shorter chapter but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. We'll get into more drama and fluff in the future, I promise.

Ben stops by the ‘Leto house’ on his way back from the hospital. He wonders if it was the right move after having stepped through the front door. 

"What?! What, what do you mean? He  _attacked_  you?" Shannon questions him in a loud voice after Ben having told him about his meeting with Jared. Ben holds up his hands as if in surrender hoping to get Shannon calm down. 

They are in the kitchen and Tomo's making himself a sandwich behind the marble counter but is now still as stone as he listens to Ben's annotation with round eyes akin likeness to Shannon. Shannon, however, is much more  _motion expressive_  in his exclamations. 

"He just had another episode, that's all. But nothing serious happened this time because he was wearing that jacket thing and a mask. They still had to restrain him to the bed after that though. But it's strange because he was supposed to be under sedatives, I don't think he should have been able to jump on anyone like that..." Ben wonders out-loud now that he thinks about it as the initial shock has managed to wear off and has a clearer mind and is able to analyze the incident better.

"Wait, what? What jacket? What  _mask?!"_  Shannon demands as he stalks closer to Ben. It's pretty intimidating, Shannon's a strong man and very protective of his brother, but Ben knows it's not him whom Shannon is angry with. It's the whole situation. Moreover, how he couldn't be there for his brother today because he had to handle his legal issues instead because "some lawyers are just  _unbudgeable jackasses"._  

"It's just this restraining jacket and, a, an 'anti-bite' mask. It's just so that he doesn't hurt himself again... or anyone else", Ben tells him hesitating with his words because he's slightly worried for Shannon's reaction. And clearly he has all the right to. 

Shannon's quiet at first. Doesn't say a word. Doesn't move in the slightest. Probably doesn't even breathe for full ten seconds before he absolutely loses it. 

 _"WHAT?!"_  he yells throwing his arms in the air in frustration and outrage. He walks closer to Ben and even though Ben's bigger than him, he can't help the cold dread that runs down his back as Shannon comes right in front of him staring at him straight in the eye, hands fisted at his sides. I guess it's just the energy the brothers seem to share that can sometimes get a little overwhelming for others to handle. And when that energy turns into destructive behavior... Well, Ben's already seen what it can do. 

"So you're saying my brother has been forced into a straitjacket and is wearing a fucking dog muzzle, too?! Hey, wait a minute, you said that they tied him to the bed again, too, didn't you?" he restates, spit beginning fly as he rages on, some hitting Ben, but he understands it. It's fine. Shannon's Jared's big brother. Of course he would be upset. Hell, anyone would be. Ben is very upset, too. He can only imagine how bad Shannon must be feeling.

"The fuck they think doing there?! They are torturing him!" he exclaims and turns to Tomo for confirmation. But Tomo just stares with a baffled expression with a half-made sandwich in his hands, a stray tomato slice slowly beginning to slide off his toast without him noticing. 

"Naw. Naw, I'm not gonna let them get away with that! I'm going to go there right now and get him out of there. No wonder he's attacking everyone when they are treating him like Hannibal fucking Lecter in there!" Shannon decides, already collecting his jacket and car keys from the table and going for the door. But before he can get past Ben, Ben takes a hold of his shoulders to halt him before he makes a big mistake. 

"Hey, Shannon, calm down first, okay. I understand that you're angry about this and you just want your brother back, but please, listen to me first. Let me explain the whole situation to you entirely before you do anything in a haste, okay?"

Shannon's still wearing a big scowl as he looks at Ben but he isn't pushing past him to the door yet. "Please", Ben asks again with sympathising eyes. A few moments in and a look towards Tomo with the tomato on the counter now and Ben manages to guide Shannon to the living room couch to talk. Tomo follows in their tow, sandwich forgotten by now and sits on the coffee table in front of them to hear Ben out as well. Shannon still has the car keys in his fist but Ben hopes that by the end of this conversation they will be on the table again instead.

"It's just protocol, Shannon. As bad as it must sound, it's actually in his own benefit. Jared doesn't actually want to hurt anyone nor himself but his condition is making him act very aggressive sometimes - it's a measure that must be taken so that he doesn't cause any more harm to anyone. I’m sure Jared wouldn’t them to let him go too early either if that meant he might cause injury to others”, Ben says and continues, “You can go there and demand him to be released but you won't get anywhere. He's now been also committed there by the health care officials due to what he's done during his stay. They can't release him until they know he won't be a danger to himself and others. Please, you know this too, Shannon. You need to let him stay there", Ben says gently and pats Shannon's knee for good measure. 

Shannon slowly begins to look resigned. He sighs and presses his hands over his face. As the initial rage is beginning to burn away, anxiety is beginning to set in instead.

"I just... I don't even know. What am I supposed to do? He's my little brother, I'm supposed to look after him", he says. His eyes are reddened. "But now that he's locked up there, I mean, what can I do? Even if he wasn't there, I wouldn’t know what to do to help him here", he admits.

"Eventually, you would probably just have to take him right where he is now", Ben says apologetically. "Which means he's exactly in the right place he needs to be at the moment. You have nothing to worry about. You've done everything you can - you've done enough. He's being taken care of by professionals who are experts in his condition. There he is being properly treated and he has the best chance at get better." 

Shannon sighs some more and looks up at Tomo. Tomo in turn looks back at him sympathisingly with gentle eyes and a sad but encouraging smile.

"It's only a matter of time now that they'll get through to him. Doctor Bowen came to talk to me after the visit was cut short and told me about his hypothesis for what might be bothering Jared. It sounded pretty convincing and plausible to me though he said it's nothing certain yet. It's not a proper diagnosis since he hasn't really been able to talk to Jared yet due to his condition with the stitches and the reoccurring attacks along the way, meaning it's still all based on his observations. Anyway, I still think it's a step forward, don't you?" Ben says after a while as things have calmed down some by then.

"A step forward..." Shannon muses, sounding a little sarcastic. "Based on observations. Well, that should do it, right? He must have had his eyes glued to the security cameras all day long if he already has a 'convincing' theory about his patient whom he hasn't even actually talked to yet. That means they are just going to drug my brother with whatever they 'observe' to be good for him", he bites back and Ben fears they might have taken a step backwards themselves. 

"As I said, it's still just a hypothesis, Shannon. They aren't going to medicate him purely based on that alone. Please, just hear me out. You have to trust them, it’s the only way for him to get better”, Ben says and tries to get Shannon to look at him. Eventually those blue eyes slowly turn to him and he looks back at him from under his brows.

“Hey, let’s put it like this. Give them a month to do their thing and if by then Jared hasn’t made any progress, you can try to contact other professionals in his area. But you have to understand that they can’t release him home as long as continues to have aggressive episodes.”

Shannon rubs at his eyes and moans in frustration and irritation. “God, why did any of this have to happen? Did I do something wrong? Did I not notice something? Were there early warning signs of this and I failed to notice them because I was too busy keeping to my own shit? Fucking hell… is he in the hospital because of me?”

Tomo and Ben can both hear tears in Shannon’s throat and Ben puts his arm around his shoulder in an effort to comfort him.

“Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. None of us could have seen this happen, least of all you. To me, he told me about his headache before it all started and I didn’t do much about - but that was all. But how could I have known that something much more serious was behind it? First I thought that I should have realized that something was up, but it’s much easier to make out the warnings sings in the aftermath than beforehand. Either we are all to blame or none of us are, but what is certain, is that none of that matters as much as what we can now try to do in order to help him out of this shithole”, Ben tells him. Tomo hums in agreement.

“He’s right, Shan. All we can do now, is focus on the present and do whatever we can to help Jared. Shit just happens sometimes and some of it you can’t even fathom to try and prevent until it does the first time”, Tomo says.

Shannon’s eyes are a little red by the edges when he takes his hands away from his face. He looks at Ben.

“Can I go see visit tomorrow? We already agreed on Mom coming to LA on Tuesday night so that she can go see him on Wednesday with me, but is that too much for him then?” Shannon questions with a much quieter voice than before. He sound really shaken and Ben feels honestly bad for him.

“Yes of course! They don’t usually allow visitors in so often but they think some familiar faces might help him to settle in, although not in masses obviously. But that’s for family only. Outsiders still have to go one at a time as not to put too much pressure on him”, Ben assures him.

“So I can’t go see him on the same day as Shannon?” Tomo asks Ben – he doesn’t sound offended by the possibility, merely looking for clarity. “Well, I think you’re as close to Jared as any family member can be but I think you should check with the hospital in advance”, Ben says. Tomo nods and stands up already taking out his phone.

Shannon looks a little better by now so Ben thinks it’s about time he left.

“I’d better get going now. I’ll come by on Wednesday after your visit but you’ll let me know if anything comes up before that?”

Shannon stands up in Ben’s tow from the couch and nods convincingly. “Yeah, yeah. We’ll do that. I know you really care about him, too. And you should know, I don’t think you’re at fault here either with what happened with Jay. You’re right about that there wasn’t really anything that could have told us that something was going - at least when you take in consideration our knowledge on normal human behaviour. I guess only a psychologist could have seen it coming”, Shannon admits sorrowfully.

“Well, he’s surrounded them now so I think he should be alright. I’m told Doctor Bowen is very good at what he does. You shouldn’t worry about it too much. Jared will get better”, Bruce says with a confident smile.

By the time he arrives home, Ben wonders if he should have told them more about the things he encountered during his meeting with Jared, like about the whole “Jay and Joker” –thing and more about Dr Bowen’s theory. But considering how badly Shannon had reacted to even his more plain coverage of the visit, it was probably best he didn’t upset him even more by letting him know about how Dr Bowen has more faith in the possibility that Jared might have had an underlying personality disorder his whole entire life without anyone knowing than in any other option for his current condition. Ben’s and everyone else’s only hope is now that whatever it is will be treatable and Jared will become better again.


	6. VI

That morning Jennifer told him it was Wednesday and his mother, Constance, was coming to see him along with his brother. Jared’s head felt a little fuzzy and his vision blurry as he tried to make out the moving shapes coming through the door harshly illuminated by the blaring white fluorescent lights above as it was time to wash up.

As they wheeled him into the bathroom, Jared tried to gather his thoughts desperately. He was having loss of time, not remembering much at all from the past few days, not even from the day before. In fact, he was afraid he didn’t even know how long he had been in the hospital by now.

Darryl removes the confining white jacket, which Jared has become very well acquainted to during his stay, with the rest of his clothes and led him to sit on the tiled long bench type of a seat under the showerheads to wash him. His wrists were locked down to its either side with leather straps but cuffed loosely in a vain effort not to add any more discomfort to him. They didn’t buckle up his ankles this time and Jared brought his legs to his chest.

Honestly though it wasn’t the lack of comfortability that bothered Jared with the whole scenario but the fact that it was utterly humiliating and made him feel disgustingly pathetic. Not to mention the detail that he was constantly muzzled these days in order to protect himself from pulling his stitches out again, or causing harm to anyone.

This made him grateful for being so drugged up because it made him basically oblivious to everything and anything that was happening around him. All sounds sounded distant and muffled in his ears and his vision was hazy. He could barely grasp onto a single thought longer for than two seconds and had difficulty focusing on anything. The fortunate side of this lacking audio-visual and intra-consciousness was that he didn’t pay much attention to how a bunch of expressionless strangers were supervising him while he was being washed with bubbly non-scented soap by Darryl’s careful but practised hands. Nevertheless, it felt way too intimate and Jared shut his eyes tightly with a flinch when Darryl moved the soupy sponge between his legs.

When it evidently came time to wash his hair, everybody tensed up in the room. The other nurses came closer, ready to hold him down if necessary, when Darryl carefully started pouring water over Jared’s green hair. It was merely the heightened tension in the room that made Jared himself more stressed out and he started breathing a little heavier. He had no idea what they were expecting of him but he didn’t like it for certain.

Darryl lathered up his hair and Jared barely felt it because he was being so cautious about it. His fingers moved slowly through his hair, never touching the scalp or tugging on strands of hair even by accident. The other nurses loomed over him watchful of his every reaction and movement. Jared kept his gaze lowered down on the tiled bench feeling sick to his stomach.

Afterwards they praised him for staying so calm this time, which puzzled Jared, but he couldn’t ask them what exactly they meant by “this time”. He was worried for two seconds before his attention was again stirred and instead now attained by being brought back to his room. Jennifer was in the room waiting for him with that metallic trolley that had a medium sized plastic pouch on it filled with clear liquid inside

They sat him down on his bed and Jared tugged the white blanket over himself. He was only wearing a white robe that itched when he moved. He didn’t like that one either. He lifted his legs on the bed and crossed them to keep them warm. Darryl had the jacket draped over his arm as he closed the door behind himself.

“He was stable during the entire procedure. I think he doesn’t need this for the time being”, Darryl told Jennifer pointing to the jacket. Jennifer was preparing something by the trolley and looked over to him and then to Jared.

“Yes, I suppose. The sedatives were topped last night so he must be feeling them still. You can take it back after we’re done here”, she said and then pulled the trolley next to the bed. Darryl nodded and moved to the side of the room to overlook Jared once again.

Jennifer hooked the pouch on a drip stand and came towards Jared’s face with the small clear tube coming from it. Jared frowned in worry. What was she up to? He leaned away from her towards the wall but she took a settling hold of his jaw to keep him in place.

“It’s alright. I’m just securing the feeding tube to the nutrient bag here and in just a few minutes we’ll be done”, she told him with her kind voice and attached the tube to something somewhere around Jared’s ear where he couldn’t see. Then he started feeling it – a lukewarm wet sensation travelling down his throat. In a mix of confusion and fear he realized there was a tube coming around his cheek into his nose and all the way through it to his throat. Awkwardly, Jared swallowed around nothing and still felt something dribbling down into his stomach.

When had this happened?

Jared looked at Jennifer, his expression resembling a question mark, as he searched for answers. She smiled sadly down at him. “You don’t remember, do you… It was last Monday. You wouldn’t eat through the straw and you kept falling in and out of episodes that ultimately Doctor Bowen had to administer you a feeding tube to keep you nourished.  We’ll keep it in until the mask can be taken off and that won’t be long”, she explained sympathisingly.

Then she went back to the trolley and took something else out – a pot of cream. She started to lather it over his hair as gently as humanly possible just like Darryl had. But she got right down to his scalp however she merely caressed it with the cream.

Jared didn’t know what that was all about but couldn’t be bothered to try and ask anymore. Clearly, he thought to himself, he was in deep shit. Suddenly everything he had worried about fell into perspective as he realized that whatever was going outside due to his breakdown was a mere grain of sand compared to the beach full of not remembering anything and knowing nothing and being washed by near strangers and fed through a tube. None of it mattered to him at this point. Now, he just wanted to get better, start remembering shit and being conscious and finally get the hell out of there.

By the time he was dressed back into his usual plain white outfit, it was visiting hour and his family came to see him. To be honest, Jared wasn’t sure if he necessarily wanted to see them in his state, especially when couldn’t so much as utter a single word, but the thought of rejecting them didn’t even pop into his mind. Nevermind how he looked and felt like and how bloody embarrassing that felt, because in the end, he needed his family now more than ever.

Darryl stayed in the room as always and kept an eye on the situation. They had given Jared a soft little notebook that was held together glue and had no covers and a bare black crayon so that he could communicate. He felt a little clearer in the head by the afternoon and was fairly certain he would be able to actually think logically and even write a bit.

Led by Jennifer, Shannon stepped in through the doorway first having already seen him yesterday – or so they had told Jared. He couldn’t remember that happening and had to swallow down the bitter lump that came with the fact.

Shannon’s eyes were full of concern but he didn’t look shocked by his appearance – at least this time. He held his mother’s hand who stepped in his tow. She… She started crying the second she saw him. A knife went through Jared’s heart at that.

Not minding the hospital policy with him, she rushed over to the bed where he was sitting to wrap him in her arms. Her familiar scent enclosed him and he felt instantly relieved.

“Oh my baby… oh my baby, what have they done to you…” she sobbed into his ear as she hugged him. Jared did his best to answer the embrace but his joints ached and his muscles felt like they were made of wax. He only managed to rest his hands on either of her sides putting barely any pressure on the touch. She held him for the both of them.

She then pulled back, a bit more calm now, just a little to look at him in his eyes – she didn’t look at the mask, she didn’t look at the bandages or the tube – she just looked at him in the eyes and brushed her hand along his pale cheek partly covered with plastic. They must have already told her that it couldn’t be taken off yet.

“Oh my baby Jay… What happened to you?” she asked with the utmost love and empathy in her voice Jared had ever heard her talk to him with. She had tears in her beautiful blue eyes and her luminous silver hair was pulled back from her warm comforting face.

Jared couldn’t say anything to her. He could just look at her in a way a son in his situation would. He looked at her with sorry and shame, and deep gratitude and love for that she was there.

“They said there had been an accident at the conversation panel you attended in San Diego. You, you hurt your cheeks and… and then you were in the hospital and they didn’t know what to do, and then they took you here and Shannon told me there was another accident”, she turned to look at his brother over her shoulder in bewilderment as she went through the events one at the time with him which was actually rather helpful for Jared, too, because he hardly had any recollection of any of it. 

“He didn’t say what it was but they had to _restrain_ you…” her voice jumped to hysterics around that word and continued on like that from there, “…and I was only told on _Tuesday?!_ ” She looked back at Shannon again in bafflement and shook her head in disbelief.

“There never seemed to be a good time to tell you, Mom! I was too busy looking after him that so much had already had managed to happen by then so I thought I should wait and see if things calmed down before I could call you and tell you what was going on”, Shannon tried to defend himself but against their mother, it was an impossible task. She was always right.

“You should have called me right away. As soon as possible”, she replied to it. Shannon sighed out in frustration. “I did call as soon as possible!”

“Alright, alright…” she said to prevent things from escalating then, and with that warning look from Darryl, they both calmed down pretty swiftly.

His mother turned back to him and sat down next to him on the bed.

“So how are you feeling, dear? Better at all?” she asked him concern shining in her eyes. Jared took the pen and paper from beside him and wrote down his answer letting her see it. “A little”, he had wrote down because at least today he wasn’t dissociating – he felt a little more like himself.

“That’s good to hear, honey. And how are they treating you here?” she asked and then glanced at Darryl and added, ”You can tell me.” Jared had the urge to say that he didn’t want to stay there anymore, knowing his mother would do anything to get him out of there or at least somewhere else but the truth to be told, he was being looked after here and very well.

“Alright”, he wrote down vaguely. Maybe a bit too much judging by the fiery look in her mother’s eyes she sends to Darryl. “They are doing their job well”, he added for good measure which seemed to ease her mother’s mind. “Well, you just let me know whenever you don’t like it here anymore, okay”, she told him leaning in as she rested her hand on his knee. Jared nodded trying to convince her. He really didn’t think there was anything wrong with the hospital so far – what was wrong was he himself.

“Have you had a session with Doctor Bowen yet?” Shannon asked then. His voice was all serious and stern needing to know how they were treating his little brother but his eyes were gentle with affection. Jared being here and like this meant that everything had been dumped on his brother’s shoulders. Now he had to handle all of their band business along with Tomo and their producer – something mostly Jared usually took care of – in addition to taking care of Jared’s personal and public affairs on the side of his own. Jared wanted to smile for him, make it all okay so that there would be at least one worry less on his mind.

“No”, he answered him on paper instead. Then he got it. He drew a smiley face on it and showed it to Shannon with “It’s okay though” reading below it. Shannon laughed and so did his mother when he saw it, too. They laughed for a long time from sheer surprise, all of the pressure of the situation finally diminishing as they did so and making it so that the laughter didn’t seem to be able to end because there was so much built up tension to laugh out of themselves. Jared, too, shook silently as he laughed. Thankfully he had always been good at laughing inwardly so he wasn’t really in need for the mask in this case.

“Okay, that’s good to know”, Shannon said after they had managed to catch their breath. He grinned at Jared like he always did and Jared found himself having missed that, especially now. It was soothing.

“I’m sure though you’ll get to talk with him soon. You look like you’re doing much better, even compared to just yesterday. I hope they’ve finally got the medication right”, he said.

“Oh, I’m sure they have. Or if not quite yet, then very soon. Don’t you worry, baby. We’ll make sure you’ll get better and the first thing you’ll do when you get well enough to get out of here is come home. I’ll make my world-famous lasagne and brownies and Shannon will pick the wine because he’s always so good at that”, she guaranteed Jared with a big toothy smile and rubbed his back up and down with her small hand. 

“Is that some sort of a suggestion that I have a drinking problem now or something, Mom?” Shannon joked. Their mother feigned being devastated. “No, of course not! I meant you’re so good with the whole food-wine-pairing business because you’re so passionate about cuisine these days – you’ve taken after your mother”, she corrected making Shannon chuckle.

“I’m looking forward to it”, Jared said in text and then continued, “I missed you.”

They both looked at him for a while with fondness before his mother hugged him once again. “I have missed you, too. So much. Ah, you always manage to make worry about you so much. First with the rock-climbing and then this, though I know this is none of your fault. I just want you to be safe, healthy and most of all happy”, she said and laid her hand on his cheek. “I love you, baby.” She caressed his brow-bone with her thumb gently. “Just let me know whenever you need something. I don’t want to interfere with your treatment, the doctor said it would be best to let you have some space, but know that I’ll be staying with your brother here in LA so you can just call me or him and I’ll be there. I’ll always be there for you, baby.”

Jared pressed closer to her as they hugged one more time before they had to leave as Jennifer pulled up to the door.

“I’ll see you too, bro. Try and get better, alright. If not for me, then for Mom. I know you can”, Shannon said to him when he hugged him goodbye. Jared nodded and watched them leave. Feeling now numb after feeling so much in what felt like such a long time, he sat on the bed with Darryl by his side and listened to the door click shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me go - such a quick upload this time :D Let me know you how you liked it!


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is there a plot somewhere in here...? I can't tell.

He had never felt as humiliated in his entire life as he had during the first month he spent at the hospital.

"Soon" turned out to be two and a half weeks. It took longer than expected for the stitches to heal, and they thought it would be safer to be sure that the cuts were completely healed before taking the mask off in case he had an episode and hurt himself again. The mask was removed only a couple times whenever Jennifer carefully washed his face with a damp cloth or when the bandages needed to be changed.

Jared felt like he had never been quiet for this long but that probably wasn't true. As a vocalist, there had been times when he has had to give himself the silent treatment to save or heal his vocal chords for a show or a recording.

Either way, it was rather unpleasant to be mute when it was out of his control. All he had as a means of communicating, was his soft paper notebook and black crayon. That felt kind of clumsy as most of the time he was so out of his mind with the brain numbing meds that he could barely get up from the bed without assistance. Then when he did have some clarity, he was constantly on the edge of losing time again and terrified of having an episode and possibly hurting others.

Yeah… Gradually, a small piece of information after another, Jared had finally gathered enough to understand what he had done during his blackouts, and needless to say, he freaked the fuck out.

He couldn’t believe his ears when he heard about all the things he had done. The amount of shame and disgust he felt towards himself was unimaginable – he had never felt this horrible about himself in his life. He simply couldn’t accept that he could have done something. Whenever Darryl or Jennifer was in the room with him, he felt so embarrassed and upset about what he had done to their colleague he couldn’t look them in the eye.

Yet, he didn’t dare to even apologize to them. Not when he couldn’t say it with his own voice. Just writing it down on a piece of paper felt like cheating and simply not worthy enough. So he decided to wait until his stitches healed and the mask was finally taken off.

He was told not to speak too much as not to irritate the still reddened and not fully healed wounds but he managed to apologize through a dry throat and a wavering hoarse voice that was due to his unused vocal chords.

That was the morning after the mask had been taken off under Dr Bowen’s surveillance. He had observed if taking the mask off would set off another episode but thankfully that hadn’t been the case. By that time he hadn’t needed the calming medical cream for his head either. Things had started looking up.

And so when Jennifer came to wake him up for breakfast and morning medication, Jared dared to speak out after taking a sip from his water. Darryl was there as always, too, so Jared looked over to the both of them.

“Uh… hey, I actually wanted to tell you something”, Jared began with his wheezing and quiet voice. Jennifer seemed slightly surprised telling by the curve of her eyebrows as did Darryl but she nodded at him as to signal they were paying attention. If they wouldn’t be, they most likely wouldn’t realize to listen to him because he couldn’t speak that loudly yet.

Jared looked at the breakfast tray with a plate of fruits and porridge with hesitation, brows knitted together and hands trembling in his lap before continuing.

“I wanted to tell you how sorry I am… about what I did. I-I… It wasn’t me, I would never do such a thing like that, I could never hurt anyone and I can’t believe what happened but I can’t take back it either”, Jared’s voice started breaking but this time not from the lack of use of his voice. “And I’m really sorry. I’m so sorry. Is there… is there anything I could do for the nurse I injured?”

Jennifer looked more surprised by the word that left Jared’s mouth and by the end of it she looked quite stunned. And then she smiled compassionately.

“Jared, we are all professionals here - we took no offense by your actions. You are currently in a state where you can’t be fully accountable for your actions. Furthermore, you’re a patient in this facility which means you are _our_ responsibility. With that being said, the nurse that the incident occurred with, was the one with in charge and you are by no means blamed for what happened”, she explained calmly. Darryl nodded along.

“However, I do understand why you might feel like you’re the one at fault. Nevertheless, you don’t need to fear that we might hold a grudge over what happened. Dean’s a good friend of ours but also an experienced nurse who’s aware of what can happen in this line of work and knows how to handle it. Accidents can still always happen unfortunately.”

Jared looked up to Jennifer a bit braver this time.

“I’m glad that you’re this understanding. But I would rather if there was something I could do for him. Is it possible for me to apologize to him personally at some point?” Jared asked shyly.

“Sure, I think that can be arranged if you really want that. Dean’s already back at work anyway so I’ll ask him first”, Jennifer said. “But right now, you should just focus on eating your breakfast. Your weight has gone down drastically during the wearing of the safety mask so we’d better take care of that now. And here’s your meds.”

The rest of the morning went by in a medicated haze as usual. By midday Jared started seeing a little clearer again, his body slowly getting used to the chemicals and adapting to them. He stayed in his room mostly as he had before even though he was allowed to go to the recreational room under Darryl’s supervision. However, that wasn’t something Jared was very interested in because he feared someone might recognize him there and he would end up with a lot of explaining to do – which would have been especially frustrating with the mask still on.

Instead, he continued reading the light-hearted book they had given him that he kept under his bed as there was no else to put it. They had told him that he would be moved to a bigger and more personalized room in a few days now that his condition had become stable enough.

His mom and brother had come to visit him once more since the first time – they were informed to try and give him some space so that he would feel more inclined to build trust with his care providers in the meantime which was hard enough with the blackouts and not being able to speak. Ben, however, didn’t seem to care much for the rules and visited him quite often.

Jared wasn’t sure even if he always was there when Ben came but whenever he was, it was nice. Well, he didn’t really care for him to see Jared basically at his lowest point but Ben didn’t belittle what he was going through or make him feel uncomfortable or ashamed about himself – he genuinely just seemed to want to see him and make sure he didn’t get too out of touch with the rest of the world from being locked up in a white room.

Jared could appreciate that and thought it was very kind of him. He was already good friends with Ben but this current situation of his really had the trust building go up a few notches in getting to know each other and get used to each other’s presence. It was like that first sleepless night you spend with a friend during which you really get to know them and understand them.

The whole day went by quickly in a blur when it came time to take his meds again, and in the early evening Jennifer came by like usual to take him to the bathrooms but this time she had someone else with her.

The nurse had a bandage over the lower half of their ear and light yellow bruising on the side of their head. Dean smiled at him.

Jared’s mouth opened in surprise and confusion.

“Evening, Mr Leto. I’m here to take you to the lavatory to freshen up before bedtime”, he just said like it was nothing. Jared glanced at Jennifer as if to see if she was hearing this as well.

“It’s alright, Jared. Dean will escort you to the bathroom tonight. I’ll still be by the door in case of anything”, she said. And what could Jared say more to that? He stood up on two slightly wobbly legs with Darryl’s help and walked with both of the nurses at his sides through the corridor.

The bathroom was vacant and like Jennifer had said, it was just the two of them in the same space where the accident had happened between them - alone.

Jared didn’t think he was going to harm Dean again but he still felt like he may be a danger to him. He gazed warily at Dean’s warm, happy looking face through the reflection of the mirror as he started preparing to brush his teeth.

How could be act so nonchalant and eased around him when all those bruises and the wound on his ear were because of Jared? And especially here and especially with just them in here?

Jared didn’t realize it but his hands were shaking so bad that he dropped the tube of toothpaste on the floor when he went to close the cap. He went to pick it up but immediately right at his side was Dean already handing it to him. A high breathy sound echoed in the room – Jared really hope he just hadn’t gasped in front of a grown man who was passing him toothpaste.

Dean looked a bit concerned now but not for himself.

“Mr Leto… is ther-“, he stated asking but Jared just had to cut him off. “Jared. You can call me Jared.” Dean frowned a bit.

“It isn’t Jay anymore?”

Jared turned his gaze to the sink and put the tube down.

“Uh… sometimes it is”, but that wasn’t the point. Jared sighed. “I… I wanted to apologize to you. For, you know, what happened here before. I’m really sorry about attacking you like that and hurting you. I don’t know what came over me, and I couldn’t be more regretful.”

Jared didn’t have the courage to look up to see how Dean had responded to that but then he felt a hand on his shoulder, big and comforting.

”That’s very considerate of you to say. But please, there is no need to apologize really. I’m a nurse, I was supposed to make sure you were safe as well as everybody else. It was on more me that your episode escalated like it did than it could ever be on you. Besides, I’ve actually had worse with regular folks when I was still living in the hood, y’know, man.”

”But are you alright now at least? I didn’t hurt you in any permanent way, did I?” Jared worried as he looked at Dean.

”Well, I part of my ear isn’t intact no more but if anything it honestly looks pretty cool. It really just took a couple of stitches and a night in the hospital.”

Jared swallowed painfully.

“Hey, I get that you’re upset and you have all the right to be but you don’t need to feel so guilty about it because it wasn’t something you could control”, he said and looked at Jared to confirm it. Jared nodded slightly reluctantly.

“Either way, let’s get to brushing those teeth. It’s starting to get late. You know, you’re the last one in line for the bathrooms. But when you get your own room, there’s a private restroom and all, and then you can bring your own toiletries insteada having to use these hardass toothbrushes.”

Now that sounded a little better in Jared’s ears. Though all these slightly patronizing bathroom visits had kept him from hurling at anyone else, it was awkward and disturbing all the same. A private bathroom sounded like heaven and Jared couldn’t wait to settle in a new room and maybe finally start getting a hold of his life again.

He smiled through the bandages at the mirror and started brushing away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anybody still out there?


	8. VIII

The new room is much more spacious than the one Jared had before. It feels like an actual room and not just a white cube with a bed and a door. This is more like a hotel room with even a small bathroom attached to it and a proper view from the window.

Jared is quite happy about it. He’s not mad about the place he spent the last couple of weeks because it wasn’t as if he could have even appreciated the interior design of wherever he was sleeping in – most of the time he was simply out of his mind and delirious after all.

Ben has seated himself on his new bed – a twin bed with nice plush bedding - and looks over to the wide window with a view of the cityscape.

“Wow, this is definitely an improvement from what you had before”, he comments as he tests the mattress with his weight on it. Jared smiles but only slightly as his wounds are still in the middle of their healing process.

“It’s nicer, yeah.”

Jared can at least talk without having a coughing fit every other word nowadays after getting to drink properly. He thinks things are finally starting to look up.

“Have you had your session with Dr Bowen yet?” Ben asks tentatively. Jared nods.

“Yeah, just yesterday. Jennifer told me I’ve seen him a couple times before that although I can’t remember any of them so this was like the first real one where I talked with him consciously.”

Jesus, it was strange saying things like that – about not remembering having done things that can be proven to have been done by you, and having to be cool with that like it’s nothing.

“Well that’s good to hear. It’s about time you actually got to talk to him. Did it go well?” Ben questions curiously. Jared sits down next to him on the bed with a huff.

“Who knows… He wrote some things down into his notebook pretty ambitiously if nothing else. I didn’t really say anything else to him but what I think has been going on lately regarding how much of it I can remember. What he seemed more interested in, was how I felt about all of it which honestly felt a bit insignificant in comparison to everything else that has gone down.”

“What do you mean?” Ben frowns at him.

“I just think we should focus more on tackling whatever is making me have these blackouts instead of how I’m feeling and if I like the food here. I mean, I’m not planning on staying that long, I don’t care if the pillow is a little lumpy. I just want to have my head straight again.”

Jared sighs out tiredly. Ben rests his hand on his shoulder gently.

“You’re already doing so much better than just a few days ago. I think it doesn’t hurt to talk a little more about how you’re doing and not just about the biggest issues around. There’s always time to talk about those ones but sometimes you need to learn to relax as well and let your mind wander. That might just be the most crucial part of recovering – you never know with the shrinks”, Ben says.

Jared chuckles at that lightly. “True that.”

Ben pats his shoulder.

“So… Do you know what happens now?” Ben wonders out loud. Jared shrugs his shoulders a bit helplessly.

“I think I’m just going to wait for the doctor’s orders for now and see what happens. Hopefully they’ll soon figure what’s wrong with me and get me the right meds so I can finally go back home. As much as the people are kind and friendly here, I really can’t wait to get the hell out of here. I feel like here I’ve really gone crazy with being cooped up in a tiny white room for so long and losing time like this. Sometimes I get scared thinking about that what if I’m never going to be allowed to go home at all… What if I’m actually a lost cause?”

Jared looks over to Ben desperately. Ben squeezes his shoulder with his big and warm hand comfortingly.

“You have nothing to be scared of, Jay. You’re in the best possible place for this sort of thing. They are going to see things through as quickly as possible so that you can feel safe and well and go home without worries”, he assures him with a soft smile.

“I hope you’re right”, Jared says. “And you can call me Jared, Ben. I’m… I feel better now.”

Ben looks a little startled by this but recovers fast enough. His eyebrows are slightly too high still.

“Oh, alright. I just wanted to be sure. But I mean, it’s cute nickname still?”

Jared smacks his hand across Ben’s chest with a proper laugh this time even if it hurt a little too.

In the afternoon, Jared goes to the recreation room for a bit in Jennifer’s company. There are other patients, too, which is new to Jared who’s more or less just been on his own inside his room most of the time during his stay. Really doesn’t mind the people or is worried about them acting strange, he just hopes he won’t get aggravated himself and have another episode and possibly hurt someone. However, there are a lot of orderlies and nurses around and Jennifer’s with him, so it should be fine. If it wasn’t, well, he probably wouldn’t allowed there in the first place.

Jared cautiously takes a seat on the couch by the window where there’s just one girl sitting in the corner reading a magazine. Jennifer sits down in a chair by the little music player and starts looking through the CD’s to pass the time, Jared guesses.

It’s a cloudy day outside so it’s the perfect time not to feel bad about staying indoors. However, Jared’s been cooped inside away from real sunlight for so long, he feels like he’s gone as white as a sheet. Even his mother comments on it whenever she comes to visit with Shannon. She’s so worried about him being here but it’s not like there’s anywhere else he should be right now.

Jared just wishes his clothes weren’t so bland and white as well. His hair seems to stick out even more with the brilliant green being the only colour about him. And that’s another strange thing about him as well – his hair has grown longer, as it does in time, yet the roots of his hair still remain green as ever. But it isn’t like he has dyed it after the last fatal incident, oh no, and his hair definitely has grown. The longer strands on top of his head reach past his nose already when pulled over his forehead.

It’s quite odd and rather unnerving. He’s spoken about it to Jennifer already which led to talking about it with every other medical person in the building yet there is no real answer to the conundrum. They said they’ll do tests but nothing solid has yet come out of those ones either.

Jared turns his focus on the TV on the wall where they are showing a Laurel and Hardy film. The volume is turned low but there are subtitles. Still, Jared finds it rather hard to concentrate on the plot even though he knows it by heart after seeing it so many times with his mother and brother before. 

The reason probably lies in how every patient in the room seems to be staring at him. Maybe they aren’t in reality but it certainly feels like that to him. Well, certainly the girl on the couch is giving Jared the creeps as she glances over the page of her magazine every other minute or so to inspect his features. Jared eventually just gives in and turns his head right at her and they lock eyes for a long uncomfortable moment. But Jared isn’t letting this go. If the girl wants to get a look at him, it’d better be good then.

“Can I help you with something?” he finally asks when she just continues to gawp at him without a word or a flinch on her gaping expression. She turns her magazine around to show him what she’s reading.

“Is that you?” she asks coyly as she points at a picture of him taken from the comic con panel.

 _Fuck_ …

At least it’s not of the moment when he has his breakdown. There isn’t any blood.

Jared swallows. It’s obviously him in the photo, he can’t lie straight to her face.

“Yeah. That’s me”, he eventually responds in submission, and turns his head away. She got her answer.

But she isn’t done.

“What happened?” she asks in a confused tone. Jared shakes his head.

“I don’t know.”

Jared can see her pouting from the corner of his eye.

“You’re an actor? And a singer?”

Jared nods.

“I like to sing, too”, she just says. Alright, maybe she’s alright after all.

“That’s nice.”

She hums in an agreement.

“But I like country songs more than rock. It says here you’re in a rock band. Hmm, well, I like Elvis though.”

She seems to be a long way from home. Jared’s feet are getting cold on the tiled floor and he brings them up on the couch.

“Elvis is alright”, Jared says. Jennifer is still shuffling the CD’s in her hands like it’s nobody’s business and frowns in concentration. It looks more like she’s listening to them to talk.

“So your name is Jared then. Do you have a nickname? My friends call me Lettie but my real name is Scarlett.”

“No, not really. Well… they call me Jay sometimes”, Jared says.

“Who?” she questions.

“Everyone. You might also want to”, he answers gloomily. She doesn’t seem to mind him brooding.

“Jay it is!”

Jared looks to Jennifer again who has picked her head up from the exclamation out of interest.

“I think I’d like to go back to my room now”, he tells her quietly. She just nods and stands up.

Jared turns back to the girl for a second.

“It was nice to meet you, Scarlett”, he says to her. She shakes her head. “You can call me Lettie, too, Jay. You can be my friend if I can be yours”, she tells him with a small smile.

“Sure”, he says, “but be careful with me, okay? I want to be a good friend but I can’t promise I always will be right now.”

She cocks her eyebrow at him. “Nobody can be good all the time, Jay. I know that. We’ve all got our faults. What do you think we’re doing at the repair shop then anyway?” she says with a laugh.

Jared gets it.

“I’ll see you later”, she says as he leaves with Jennifer and goes back to her magazine.

The other patients stare at him as he walks past them. It seems like they don’t need a magazine to know who he is. Or maybe they think he’s the _other_ one and sometimes that seems to be as true as Jared is. But he wouldn’t know that yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought it was time this one was updated as well :D How do you guys like Lettie?


	9. IX

Ben has had a tough time but at last he managed to get everyone to agree to postpone the making of the next Batman film. They were nearly ready to recast Jared for the sake of not having to wait for him to get himself together but Ben was quick to remind them of some ethics they were all required to follow – even when in Hollywood. Besides, they possibly couldn’t risk losing Jared, not when he had become such a commercial hit in the franchise. The fans would simply go mad.

The next three months Jared spent at the hospital the writers spent perfecting the script with the director so at least they weren’t wasting their time completely. The postpone time was being used to make the film the best the people had seen in a long time so Ben saw that he had done the right thing by everyone when he had fought for Jared’s rights – that’s what he said to his manager and all the others when being asked to explain his sudden passion behind these actions that drove him to risk his own career in the making of this film. Honestly though, all Ben really concerned himself with was visiting the man as many times as he was allowed to make sure he was feeling alright.

When Ben walked to the hospital on one sunny Thursday, he was certain he had done the right thing as he was met by Jared’s smiling face.

He practically lunged out to hug Ben from where he had been sitting by his desk. Nuzzling his face into Ben’s shoulder momentarily, he spoke: “I have some great news, buddy!”

Ben returned the hug just as excitedly but took a stand back to look at Jared’s face to inspect his words properly.

“Really? What is it?” Ben asked eagerly and led them to sit down on the bed. Jared’s hands could barely stop touching Ben’s when apart and they kept fidgeting when he tried to keep them on his lap, he was that happy.

“Doc said that I might be able to go home in a couple of weeks!” Jared announced with a big grin plastered on his face.

“Oh, that is good news! Congratulations, Jay! That’s amazing!” Ben said and patted Jared’s shoulder appraisingly. Jared nodded quickly in agreement. Thrice.

“Yeah, he said he thinks the meds are finally coming together and it’ll be safe enough for me to take a leave from here. I mean, I’ll still have to go to a lot of check-ups – like at least two times a week to make sure the pills are alright with my brain in addition to all my therapy sessions but, God… I’m so happy.”

“I’m really happy for you”, Ben responded. Jared’s eyes softened as he looked at Ben quietly.

“Thank you”, he suddenly said to him. “I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me during all of this craziness. I heard how you really had to fight your way through to them to make them let me keep my job and all. I know how shitty all that paper warfare can be and I bet it hasn’t been easy on you. And you didn’t have to do any of it, it wasn’t your responsibility. Yet you took care of me even when I was too dazed out of my mind to even fully appreciate it – hell, I even attacked you at that one point for good measure”, he told Ben and sheepishly laughed at the end.

“Not to mention the fact you always visited me here. You must be busy, everyone’s so damn busy all the time, but still you’ve managed to make time for me. It’s really nice”, Jared continued with a smile. Then admitted something very softly.

“But first and foremost, you aren’t scared of me. That has meant the most for me.”

Ben could feel his heart swell at those words but at the same time ache for him.

“Even my brother sends me these looks of fright as much as he tries not to let it show but you still seem to see me as myself and not some lunatic. I know it mustn’t be easy to be around me right now but… I don’t know, you still seem to be fairing much better than the others”, Jared mutters. “Dr Bowen would probably congratulate you on excellent coping mechanisms.”

Ben chuckled a bit awkwardly at that. But as he looked at the raw and honest expression on Jared’s face, little white bandages at the corners of his mouth and all, he felt a sudden and strange pull towards him. The blue eyes were mesmerizingly captivating and focused despite the chaos of a psyche lurking behind them.

Something in those blue orbs also seemed to communicate about Jared feeling the same way to Ben. However, it was so out of the blue and completely out of character for him, a slightly rugged Boston bred and seen the world kind of a man, that Ben noticed himself only catching Jared by the hand on the bed and squeezing lightly to relieve at least some of the tension.

“You can count on me, Jay. You’re my friend and I care about you. You don’t need to thank me”, Ben told him honestly with a small smile to which Jared responded with one of his own dazzling yet modest ones.

“I really appreciate that”, he said and then gently leaned into Ben’s side, casually and comfortably. The rush of warmth Ben felt inside his chest at that tugged something deep within his stomach and he was filled with a sense of wellbeing and comfort. He held Jared’s hand a bit tighter in his own.   


	10. X

Lettie sits next to Jared in the cafeteria whenever they have their meals. She only picks at her food with a plastic spork until a nurse passes by her with a little tap on the shoulder after which she takes a heaping mouthful of the steaming pasta dish on her white plastic plate and actually begins to eat. It takes a few more taps on her shoulder for her to clean her plate completely but she does manage to do it, and Jared congratulates her on it. She smiles at him with a happy yet slightly pained twinkle in her eyes.

Jared doesn’t have a problem with food.

Yet with that being said, the statement doesn’t comfort his doctor when it comes to his physical check-up a week before his assigned release. It’s true though – it’s just the huge pile of stress of everything that has been going wrong which is diminishing his appetite and making it hard to retain a healthy weight. Otherwise though, Jared doesn’t have a problem. He promises the doctor he’ll pay more attention to his diet once he gets back to more familiar surroundings where he’ll feel less anxious and even a bit hungrier.

Dr Bowen writes something down in his notebook at that with a disconcerting humph. He talks privately to Shannon and his mother afterwards.

Jared tries not to worry about it too much. After all when it comes down to it, the only thing that really matters is that he knows the truth himself. Maybe someday he’ll assure Dr Bowen of it, too. For now, however, the good doctor request his family to keep an eye on him and make sure he keeps his strength up. The medication can be taxing on body as well as on the mind so it is important Jared takes good care of himself. However, yet at this point, the medication can still make him feel a little confused at times so it’d be best for the closest ones to him make certain of his steady recovery by checking in even when concerning his normal routines.

To put it in a nutshell, they don’t trust him and that’s fine. Jared gets it. He’s had some violent tendencies occur as of late so it’s probably for the best either way. He just didn’t think it would make his mother this much more worried about him and Shannon with even more meticulousness to the flavours and textures, and most of all to the content and nutrients, in the food he made for them all than ever before.

Jared doesn’t like the fussing about but he is certainly glad to be going back home. It’s only a few more days before he’ll be transferred to the out-patient program. He can barely hold his excitement.

Ben comes to visit him on the day before the signing out. He’s all big smiles and bear hugs and Jared meets them with the same amount of eagerness. They talk about all the things he can now do again when he gets out. Jared says he really wants to go to rock climbing and eat some crispy vegan tacos while Ben scrunches his nose at the word “tofu” and laughs at Jared’s exaggeratedly offended expression.

Yet, Ben promises him that they can go eat some “soppy, leafy” vegan tacos together as soon as he gets out but that Jared might have to reconsider on the whole rock climbing expedition. He reminds him that it reads somewhere in their contracts that the performance of any dangerous hobbies should be avoided during the filming process. Jared rolls his eyes at that but agrees that it still might be best that he waited a while before going back to the mountains. It’s best to have a clear head up there, he says.

Ben tries not to think about the possibility of Jared slipping off and falling for good ten feet off of a mountain even if he did have a crystal clear mind while climbing. Jared reminds him that he uses a safety rope but Ben just shakes his head at that.

He has already heard the story of the accident Jared had the last time he went climbing and the many hospital visits he had to make because his back pains afterwards. Shannon had told about to him in detail the second time he came by the Leto house. Their mother had worn a gloomy expression throughout the recounting of the tale.

Ben stays with Jared until the sun has nearly set down – his visiting hours have been prolonged a few weeks ago. Their hug lasts for longer than usual when Jennifer comes along to usher Ben out with a friendly wave despite the fact that the next day they’ll see each other again and in even happier conditions.

Jared still feels warm and fuzzy by the time his head hits the pillow from Ben’s visit. He has a curious feeling about where their relationship is going but doesn’t dare to take much initiative because he worries his understanding of the situation might be wrong due to everything else that’s also wrong about his mind at the moment. However, the full feeling inside his chest causes him to hope for even more good things to come in spite of the difficulties the realization of those dreams might cause. But that wouldn’t be a first time for Jared – he’s overcome so many obstacles when trying to achieve his dreams in his life, he doesn’t believe for a second that one like this could be his ultimate downfall.

Rather, he reckons it could be his redemption and salvation amidst this time of distress and confusion. But he tries his best not to keep his hopes up quite yet. Like the good doctor has told him, Jared should focus on taking one day at a time and Jared intends to see it that way for once.

No matter what, the fluttering in his stomach doesn’t listen to him. It follows Jared into his slumber, affecting him to see the loveliest little dreams he smiles about in the morning and cause blush to rise to the apples of his cheeks when he sees Ben waiting by the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anybody down there? Tell me what you think if you are still there, I'm curious to hear some feedback.


	11. XI

The day Jared is released is a sunny one. Dr Bowen tells him “see you soon” with a smile Jared tentatively responds to with his scarred mouth and a little wave.

Ben begins escorting him out to his car along parked at the back of the hospital along with Jared’s brother, mother and Tomo by their side but they seem to run into a problem by back entrance when they get to look out of the window to the parking lot. Jennifer calls for the hospital security to help them clear a way to the car which is swarmed by paparazzi.

Jennifer tells him “good luck” as the door is opened and Ben steps out first to take the most of impact of camera flashes and booming voices calling out their names. Jared offers her a small smile as well and pulls his pink beanie further down on his head so no green hair can peek out under it. He also pushes his sunglasses further up his nose just to feel a bit more secure if possible but there’s not much he can to about his mouth.

Or how bloody pale his skin has become from not getting any sun in nearly four months.

The baggy and deliciously soft sweater gifted by Alessandro, a true luxury after all those months of having to wear the thin, plain white hospital attire, helps hide some of protruding bones in his body, and Jared can only guess what a pitiful wreck he must look like to all these people’s eyes behind the lenses and later on leafing through the colourful shiny magazines filled with paparazzi photos.

Shannon holds him by the shoulders protectively as Ben parts the sea of photographers with his admirable hulking mass and strength and leads them to the car. The security does its best to hold the way open for Jared as he and Shannon make their way through the yells and shouts calling for Jared to say something about everything. And then people just yelling some awful things about him in an effort to try and get a response out of him.

Jared keeps his head bowed and holds his mother’s hand who swiftly pads behind him hiding her face with her hand as she tries to shield herself from the bright sunlight at the same time. Jared doesn’t look at the paparazzi, he keeps his gaze focused solely the triangle mars amulet his brother wears around his neck. He trust Shannon to guide him to the safety of the darkness inside the backseat of the car.

Jared finds himself squeezed between Ben and Shannon while Constance nearly sits on Shannon’s lap. She seems pretty happy about it though, laughing and patting at Shannon’s sweaty forehead. Tomo ends up taking the seat up at the front.

“Jesus, it’s like a zoo out there”, Tomo mutters as he buckles up and they slowly start backing away from the crowd of paparazzi and out of the parking lot.

Jared licks his lips nervously and folds his hands in his lap, fiddling with the stretchy cuffs of his sleeves. Shannon’s arm remains around Jared’s shoulders and is like a hot cave of love and care but Jared can’t find it in himself to be able to calm down no matter what.

Then a moment of sudden quietness arrives when Ben lays his big warm hand over Jared’s knee comfortingly and the thoughts inside Jared’s head are set to a lovely rest. But then Jared can’t help but frown as he wonders out-loud that how come Ben is sitting next to him when it’s his car they are taking. Who’s behind the wheel?

Only then does the lively smiling face of Will pop from the driver’s seat to look over to them at the back.

“I heard that you were in need of a chauffeur so I here I am!” he says happily before turning his focus back on the trafficked Los Angeles road. A chuckle erupts from Jared, the anxious tension breaking within him with that sudden quip from his colleague.

“I thought might be easier for someone to stay behind the wheel so that everyone could get in from just one side as I expected that there would be a hoard of paparazzi around for this and it’d be impossible to get around. Will just happened to hear me talk about it at studio a couple of days ago and despite being a busy man himself, he immediately volunteered to do it like a champ”, Ben says with an amused laugh.

Will snickers a bit but nods anyway.

“I just want to help in any way I can, honestly. Now, what’s our first stop?” he asks.

“The pharmacy”, Shannon answers for Jared. “I think there’s one right around that corner over there.”

Others come in to aid Will on the route to the pharmacy with their own sort of instructions. It’s a loud but calm drive. Jared stays quiet throughout it, feeling quite embarrassed and awkward about the whole situation despite everyone trying their best to make him feel comfortable by being as casual and cool about it as possible. In a way, it just worsens Jared’s whole mood about it but he tries to keep composed about it – he knows they are all simply mean well.

Eventually Will gets them to a nice looking pharmacy and parks the car in the shade near the entrance. Tomo and Constance go out to the pharmacy with Jared’s prescriptions in their hand but trudge back to the car only a moment later with tired expressions under the hot California sun.

They Tomo opens the door to the backseat with an apologetic look.

“Sorry man, they need an ID and the person in question to come in to the counter”, Tomo informs Jared.

Shannon frowns. “What the hell? Why does he need to go out there, it’s never been like that. Is there some new regulation or some shit I’ve never heard about?”

Tomo shrugs with a deep exhale. “Fuck, I don’t know but they won’t sell the medication to us without the owner of the prescription.”

Jared gets up from underneath Shannon’s scorching armpit and begins climbing up over him to get out of the car. They all stare at him incredulously. It goes to show what an act the whole “everything’s cool” was with them and really everyone’s just sitting on the edge of their seat with him. 

Shannon grabs him by the arm gently as he’s passing him and Jared stops. Shannon looks at him with concerned blue eyes and an open mouth. Jared returns his gaze but feels incredibly exasperated about it.

“It’s fine, Shan, I can do this. I’ve been to a drug store before too, you know”, he tells him with a quiet voice. A moment passes before Shannon’s hand releases his arm and Jared’s free to leave.

The pavement is practically wafting with heat under Jared’s worn out black and white chequered sneakers despite it being late fall. It’s a weird day altogether anyway so Jared just breathes in the slightly humid outdoor air content that he’s finally outside.

He’s nervous, too, but it feels like everyone else is more so than he is. He can feel their worried stares linger on his back as Tomo and Constance walk back with him to the pharmacy.

There isn’t an awful amount of people inside the store, thankfully and the line to the prescription register is very short. There’s just two people ahead of them as they walk over it and it doesn’t take long before they can get down to business.

The lady in her white coat behind the register recognizes Tomo and Constance from earlier and takes a second to inspect Jared out of simple curiosity as to why he hadn’t come himself in the first place. Perhaps when she looks over the prescribed medicine and the name on top of it she’ll understand the cough. The scars around Jared’s mouth are still slightly pinkish though and quite noticeable which is probably why she looks at him a bit longer than probably planned. Fortunately the scars are beginning to fade away nicely and will be gone in a few weeks’ time.

Jared slides his ID card over the counter to her which she looks over quickly and then passes back to him. It’s clear she knows who he is but she’s clearly trying to keep her cool as she takes the prescription and goes to get the stuff from the back of the room. Jared feels cold sweat starting to coat his hands either way as he waits there quietly. His knees feel a little wobbly.

Jared looks over to the clock on the wall on the right. He can barely see it, everything’s a bit blurry. He feels shivers run down his spine and all over his body, his head beginning to feel a little heavy and light at the same time.

God, what’s taking her so long?

The next thing Jared knows is lying against Tomo’s chest, his arms wound around his middle and his mother hovering over him, hands cupping his cheeks.

A small whimper comes out as Jared blinks at his eyes to work again. There’s a loud humming ringing inside his ears and he looks up at his mother with a jumbled expression.

“Oh baby, let’s get you back to the car. I knew you weren’t up for this yet”, she says and strokes his face caringly before taking a step back for Tomo to get Jared back on his feet.

It’s an overwhelming feeling that confuses the hell out of Jared as he tries to get his legs to work again and find his balance on the ghastly laminated floor of the pharmacy without any recollection of what exactly was happening. Tomo keeps a steadying hand on the small of his back as his mother takes the small brown bag from the register lady who watches the whole situation going down with a gaping mouth, even leaning over the counter to get a better look at him.

“Sorry”, Jared mumbles out to the lady, to anyone really, as Tomo and Constance walk him out from the store.

Shannon comes out to open the door for them but pauses with a startle as they _all_ take in the view of Jared nearly limping out from the store held up by his two alarmed looking companions.

“What happened?” Shannon asks worriedly. Jared doesn’t say anything, just focuses on trying to get back to his seat. Ben nearly pulls him into his side, his big muscular arms going around him, and Jared tiredly rests his head on his chest or wherever he can reach to plant his head on without a second thought, and closes his eyes.

Constance takes the seat next to Jared this time as she’s his mother and it’s now time for motherly duties while Shannon squeezes between her and the door. Even Will regards at the situation through the rear view mirror with a concerned look in his eyes.

“He fainted”, Tomo answers Shannon. “Only for a second though but he would have hit the floor if I hadn’t managed to catch him in time.”

Jared can feel Ben looking over him in concern and he starts rubbing circles into Jared’s side tenderly.

“Alright, we’re driving home now. Take a left from here”, Shannon tells Will who readily nods his head and follows his instructions.

Jared barely feels like he’s in his body by the time they have finally arrived at their house. Everything feels far away and out of reach making mere walking a slight difficulty. Ben supports him by holding him firmly by the waist but halfway across to the front door Jared nearly collapses again and he ends up carrying him inside.

They get to the living room where Jared is laid down on the couch while everyone else gathers around him. Will sits down in the armchair close to where Jared’s head is resting on the soft pillow and Ben sits on the coffee table in front of him to keep a close eye on him.

His mother sits down to the other end of the couch where she collects Jared’s feet into her lap and starts massaging them gently. Tomo goes to the kitchen to make everyone coffee while Shannon hovers over all of the over the back of the couch.

Jared keeps his eyes closed partly due to all the concerned looks he’s receiving he can’t bear to face but also because he feels so heavily tired and out of his mind.

“Do you need to take your medication, darling? Is that why you fainted?” his mother asks him hesitantly as she leans closer to him.  

“That’s not why he would have fainted, ma. Besides he’s already had his morning medication at the hospital today”, Shannon tells her and then looks at Jared himself. “Did you eat anything at breakfast?”

Jared sighs out knowing nothing good can come out of his answer and simply turns his head to the side to press it into the pillow and curls in on himself tighter.

“Let’s give him some peace and quiet. He must be feeling quite tired right now”, Ben says a little quieter than everyone else, and stands up from the table. Everyone seems to agree with him and get up to leave for the kitchen.

Jared sends a telepathic thank you to Ben in his mind.

Then there’s just the two of them as Ben gently lays a familiar smelling blanket over his prone form. With a soft touch to Jared’s shoulder, Ben follows the rest of them out.

“I think some sandwiches would be good. He needs to start eating again soon or this will be a daily occurrence”, Jared hears Ben then say to them just before they are out of hearing reach, and closes his fist around the edge of the blanket anxiously.

The day has taken a sudden turn for the worse but at least he’s home now, Jared thinks. If only his thoughts would agree to settle down so that he could even at least try to _appear_ somewhat sane to his friends and family. But if nothing else, at least he’s home. At least he’s made it home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well, there are people reading this fic after all! That's really nice :) Thank you for all the feedback, it really gives me life.


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little trigger warning that there's some real angst in here and blood mentions in this chapter. Although, what's new about that... But the next chapter's gonna be a bit fluffier, don't worry.

Jared felt like he was about to snap. Which wasn’t a good sign. Not one at all.

At one point, he would have dismissed this feeling, knowing he could overcome it and just move on. But not anymore. This time he felt the pressure building and it never stopped. It filled him up like a balloon – just with boiling hot water instead of air.

He felt almost woozy, tripping over his steps whenever he climbed up the stairs or just went out onto the patio. Eventually he decided to just stay in his bedroom where it was soft, pleasantly dim and the loud erratic noises of the world became dulled. There nobody disturbed him if there was nothing to disturb him for.

It was easier to just lie in bed and drift in and out of consciousness. It was too exhausting to stay awake when there were a million and one things to do and so many expectations to rise for. Jared didn’t feel energized with passion and excitement liked he used to. He simply felt overwhelmed with too many emotions at the same time as well as having none at all at other times.

He didn’t want to tell about that to Dr Bowen though. He didn’t want him sending him back to his old little room. But when that feeling of “snapping” started becoming closer and closer into realizing, Jared wondered if he probably should.

It was an odd feeling of not wanting to do something because he knew it wouldn’t help but it would, and not accepting either one of those truths completely. And so he was left at a standstill where he simply wished he was getting better, that things would turn around, and he wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed of himself and his condition and the burden he had dropped on his family’s shoulders, but did nothing about it in reality because he felt like he didn’t _know_ how.

And because his family was so delightfully supporting and caretaking, they were constantly overlooking him. Constantly asking whether he felt fine or not, if he slept or not, if he ate or not, if he did or felt anything at all. Jared always answered the same way, with the positive outlook as not to cause even more worry to his family even if it wasn’t true, just flatter and more annoyed tone to his voice each time.

He loved his family and friends but he was also growing so incredibly frustrated with them all the same because they just reminded him of how he was really doing nothing to better his situation, that there was no progress whatsoever and all that time of doing nothing was only burdening them on with an even greater weight. And still Jared was doing nothing about it.

So Jared wondered if they would all leave him alone, maybe he might be able to advance and then eventually lift all of the weight off their shoulders. He just needed to make them leave first. Maybe not entirely, it was Shannon’s home too after all, just out of Jared’s personal business.

But no. They wouldn’t understand the cues. The slamming of the door or any of it. They kept on hovering over him like he was a baby, and to be honest, he felt like he was turning into one due to all of it.

All he did was sleep, lie in bed and pretend to eat – really, he just wasn’t hungry – and repeat.

The first days of the week passed in a blur of conflicting emotions and passive aggressive relations to his family. It wasn’t good and it didn’t seem like it was ever going to be. And it was all Jared’s fault and he hated himself for it. So much.

Eventually, he couldn’t even bear the sight of himself and in just a minute or two, there was blood on his hands and glass smithereens on the floor. Jared wasn’t thinking straight, that much he knew, but for that second of not feeling like himself everything felt so much lighter and freer than in a long time. He started wishing for more times like that to come instead of recovery which in turn made him feel bad about himself all over again that the rage he felt towards himself only intensified and more blood appeared in a deadly cycle of regret, peace and regret.

Jared’s head hurt but his fists even more and that’s what he solely concentrated on for now. It was all he needed for now. All he could do for now – and it was more than he had done in a long time.

A spiteful grimace fell on his lips as the ground became red beneath his feet.


	13. XIII

Ben didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Jared was back home again and to some extent that had seemed to be Ben’s goal as well and now that it was reached, he wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He felt a bit awkward visiting his home so very often, it had been different in the hospital, and he had these strange withdrawal feelings about not seeing him so much.

He doesn’t mean he was happy when he heard from Shannon late last night that things had taken an _unexpected_ turn of events concerning Jared’s recovery. The first week of his stay at home had been something of a blur spent sleeping and lying around – it wasn’t that easy to get back into the roll of things after such a long time spent doing not much anything but trying to clear one’s thoughts.

It was on Saturday, the last therapy session day of the week that Dr Bowen called Jared’s emergency contact, Shannon, to inform him that Jared wasn’t feeling so well. He told Shannon that he was considering readmitting him to the hospital for a couple of days but Shannon hadn’t taken to that so well either.

He had said that whatever it was, as it had come out so out of the blue to all of them, that they could manage dealing with it at home. What Jared needed the most right now, was his family. If he went back to the hospital right now, he would never come out again. He just needed to get used to his life, reality, home, and sure that was going to take some time and effort at first but it would all be worth it in the end. If he gave up now, it would only be harder, if not impossible, to get back into it later.

At least that’s how Shannon had put it and apparently his speech had worked well enough because Jared came back from the hospital to sleep in his own bed again. The family did decide though to keep an even closer eye on him if Dr Bowen’s concerns were truly that severe.

They had asked Jared about it – how he was feeling about being back at home again. What Jared had responded with, had surprised all of them. He said he felt like he was being patronized. That it didn’t feel like being at home at all because it was like being in the hospital were all the nurses’ eyes were on him and he had been prodded and discussed about behind his back. He thought that he might as well stay at the hospital if this was how it was going to be – at least there it was to be expected.

They had, to some extent, yes, expected something like that. The surprising part about the conversation had been how aggressive Jared had acted about it. It was nothing like him and maybe that had been the real concern in Dr Bowen’s mind.

Jared’s behaviour had worried the family but they weren’t going to abandon him, of course not. They told him that they were going to try to do better and not cause Jared to feel like he was being hovered over but also tried to explain him why they felt like they did – they just wanted to look after him during these vulnerable, stressful times and sometimes that might appear as his supervision.

Jared had left the room at that point and gone to his bedroom with bang of a slammed door. They had decided to give him some room taken into consideration what they had just discussed about but when they heard the sound of a glass breaking, it was Tomo and Shannon who rushed in with Constance worrying herself to sick in the kitchen as not to make Jared feel so crowded.

They found Jared lying in his bed staring at the ceiling while there was a puddle of the broken glass in the middle of room shattered from the full-body mirror. The mirror was completely smashed and the real mess it had left was found on Jared’s knuckles.

They didn’t dare to announce about it to Dr Bowen in the fear he might send someone to take Jared back to the hospital despite the fact that they probably should have all things considered. Ultimately they just bandaged him up to their best capabilities when he fell asleep (he hadn’t let them touch him before that) and let him stay in his room until Sunday afternoon.

Ben had been _very_ worried when he had heard all of this.

They were supposed to recommence filming in just a couple of weeks and Jared was clearly not up to it. Though that wasn’t on the forefront in his mind on why he was nervous. It was simply about Jared’s wellbeing. He couldn’t bear to see Jared acting like this, so out of character and out of touch with himself and his needs. It was painful to see him suffer like this, not quite even understanding it himself either.

But then on that Sunday evening, Jared had requested to see Ben. The family had told him no, simply because they hadn’t wanted to bother Ben with Jared’s sudden whimsy – after all it had been eleven o’clock, basically night time at that point. Besides, Jared had acted quite odd about it too and the family had thought it best to keep him inside the house and not drag Ben into whatever this might have escalated into.

Ben wasn’t so happy to hear about that – he would have driven over to Jared even if that meant seeing him for just a couple of minutes in his desperate time of need. However, it seemed like Jared had got over it soon enough and was out like a light by the time it was twelve pm. Maybe that had just been the meds, though.

Ben made sure to go visit him the next day, this time without so much worry about appearing _clingy_. He had asked about from Shannon during their telephone conversation in beforehand, too, after all. On the dot of the day, he started making his way. He thought it appropriate to bring some freshly brewed coffee with him from the nice boutique down the road for the whole family.

He rang the doorbell and waited in anticipation with the herd of steaming cups in one hand. Constance answered the door, first looking like she hadn’t had an ounce of sleep but her beautiful eyes lit up at once when she saw who it was.

“Ben, how good to see you! Come in, come in”, she said and ushered him in. He set the coffee down in the kitchen over the white marble counter and looked around. Things were quiet.

“You went to that little coffee place down the road, did you? Oh, I just love their coffee, it’s much better than what I’m used to drinking”, she said as she took the offered cup Ben was holding into her hand. “Shannon makes great coffee too of course but it’s a bit too strong for me personally but don’t tell him that”, she said and smiled at Ben behind the coffee cup.

“You can count on me”, Ben chuckled but then had to ask. “Where is everybody?”

“Oh the boys down in the studio. Well, Shan and Tomo. Jared’s still sleeping, I think.”

Ben’s eyebrows lifted. Constance glanced down at the floor. “He’s still feeling quite tired about everything. He tells me it’s the medication but I see that he’s not eating. Whatever I put on his plate, it ends up somewhere in a napkin when he thinks nobody’s looking. And then he sneaks them later into the trash bin but I see them. No one uses napkins around in this house and no one throws away food like that”, she confessed.

Ben’s mouth parted in slight horror.

“Do you think I can go see him? I mean, Shannon called yesterday and told me about everything and that he wanted to see me. I thought I could come by in case he still wanted to”, he asked her.

Despite their discussion and last day’s events, something about what Ben had said brought up a warm smile in Constance.

“Sure you can. I think it’s great you want to go see him and I think he would really like to see you, too. In spite of being finally home with his family, I feel like he’s more alone than ever. It’s a funny thing and it really saddens me but whenever you’re around, I feel like he does so much better. You did visit him so often in the hospital, I think he’s rather learned to trust you in this situation, in his condition, and might somewhat depend on you”, she revealed. “That being said, don’t think you’re forced to do anything, Ben. Never ever should you feel burdened by this, it’s not your responsibility. You’re a good friend but if anything ever becomes too much, know that you can always take a break. Knowing what you need is as important as knowing what the other needs and catering to both of them without feeling pressured is equally essential. That makes a relationship healthy and work.”

Ben could only nod thoughtfully at those wise words.

“A good relationship is like a pair of sock you can’t bear to lose but like everything else, they get worn out and sometimes you need to stitch them to make them last. But they are your comfiest pair so you’ll happily put in the small effort”, she added with a giggle before taking a long sip of her drink.

Ben took Jared’s and his cup with him to the bedroom while Constance went down into the studio room to take the rest of the coffees to Tomo and Shannon. Ben felt a fluttering feeling reside in his stomach but swallowed it down bravely as he knocked on the door.

He heard only some rustling of sheets moving behind the door, not much else but eventually there was soft padding noises as Jared came to the door and opened it.

Despite apparently having had quite a lot of sleep lately, Jared’s eyes looked sunken in, dark all around and simply tired. His pallor was off, incredibly pale, nearly as white as paper and his cheekbones were way too apparent even for him. He hadn’t cut his long hair off yet, which was still green all the way from the roots – the doctors had declared that the concoction poured on his head had caused a mutation in the hair follicles which had also probably been an agent in the cause of the burning sensation of the scalp. There wasn’t really anything they could do about it but they did some more autopsies to make sure that the dye hadn’t cause any more damage to Jared’s skin, like cancer. Fortunately the results came back negative which had been a big relief to all of them but there was still no turning back from the mutated hair follicles that would only produce green hair from then on. 

As Ben looked him over, he felt another frown form on his face out of empathy. Jared, in turn, looked a bit startled.

“Oh… hi”, he said with a small voice and sheepishly opened up the door to his room a bit more to let Ben in.

“Hi”, Ben responded back with feigned smile, trying desperately to make Jared feel okay. “I brought you some coffee.”

Jared’s gaze slowly moved to the coffee cups in Ben’s hands. It was an unfocused look but something seemed to sluggishly click inside his mind in the end as his eyebrows knitted slightly together.

“I can’t have caffeine”, he stated blatantly with a flat tone to his voice. Ben started making his way in gradually as not to overwhelm Jared, and took a seat on the small loveseat in the corner – where the mirror used to be but not anymore.

“No worries, I got you de-caf. Get it while it’s hot”, Ben said and handed Jared his cup which he hesitantly accepted. The black long-sleeved shirt he was wearing nearly fell off of one bony shoulder as he reached for the cup, it was so loose and big on him. Ben found himself staring at the right clavicle like it was an obsession while Jared slowly took the seat next to him on the loveseat.

“Thanks”, was all Ben got in response.

To be completely honest, it was really strange seeing him. Jared was acting so… It was like he wasn’t even there. He sipped at his coffee so cautiously, like it was going to fall off from his hand at any given moment if he wasn’t careful, staring at the plastic lid with bloodshot eyes.

Ben worried. He looked around the room that somehow felt really empty and stale despite the little memorabilia scattered around. Maybe it was due to how dark it was. There was only one little lamp casting a pale stream of light to the ceiling on one of the nightstands and the large windows all had heavy curtains hung over them.

It was so white in here, too. Like in the hospital. White bed, white walls and ceiling and no natural light coming in. It was just a bigger room from the one Jared had been in for those long few months.

“You feeling okay, Jay?” Ben asked after a moment of just drinking their respective coffees. Jared looked up, a bit startled once again, and stared at Ben with big blue eyes, mouth agape.

“Yeah…”, his voice sounded a bit croaky, a tad husky. “Um… it’s just, Shan called the doctor today. And uh, he told me to have another Lithium pill, um to calm me down so I did and… It’s just a bit fuzzy right now”, Jared said, his gaze wandering off from Ben at times. “I’m sorry.”

Ben set his cup down and put his hand gently on Jared’s shoulder.

“You have nothing to apologize for. It’s alright, I understand. If you’re tired, I can come back later”, Ben told him with a small smile. Jared’s expression grew a bit panicky out of the sudden.

“No. No! No, you don’t have to leave. I don’t want you to leave. I’ll be good.”

The tone of Jared’s voice almost sounded pleading, scared and his eyes were like two big plates of ocean. Ben felt the immediate tug in his stomach to comfort him and calm him down. He found his hand moving from Jared’s shoulder to his cheek in just a moment, and then his thumb was delicately stroking over Jared’s temple, the rest of his fingers buried in the soft, wavy strands of green.

“Shh, it’s alright. I’m not going anywhere”, Ben promised as he inched to sit closer to Jared. “Everything’s fine.” Ben picked up the cup from Jared’s shaky hands and rested it onto the floor just to be cautious.

And then Jared’s head became nestled on Ben’s chest, hands wrapped in his shirt and Ben’s arms wound around him protectively.

Ben breathed into his hair. His voice was soft and as reassuring as could be when he spoke.

“You _are_ good, Jay, you _are_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :) this one was kinda nicer, wasn't it? in the end? 
> 
> btw, I know Tomo has unfortunately left the band in reality but for the sake of this story to focus on one tragedy at a time, we'll leave that out for now ( but seriously tho, I get that that's what he wants to do and if it's better for him that way then it should be better for all if we really care about his wishes, so good for Tomo for listening to his heart ).


	14. XIV

Jared’s eyes twitched. He frowned as he slowly slid open his eyes. When had he fallen asleep? And what’s this around him…

Jared turned his head to look behind himself and came to face with Ben’s head that was resting on his shoulder, in the crook of his neck. He had spooned Jared from behind, his strong arms going around his waist, warm and comforting against him. Jared found his own hands clasping Ben’s over his chest and didn’t dare to let up as not to wake him up seeing Ben was still asleep.

It surprised Jared how good he felt right then and there. Like all the worry in the world had disappeared into thin air and all that was left was Ben holding him so sweetly and for once feeling at least somewhat well rested.

But then someone knocked on the door – and barged right in without waiting. Ben woke up to the loud sound.

“Oh, sorry! I didn’t mean to disturb you, I just came to check to see where you had gone to but yep, here you still are. Okay, see you later”, Tomo said with a nervous chuckle before closing the door behind him as he swiftly exited the room.

Great, Jared thought to himself and as Ben started moving apart from him, still half-asleep, eyes halfway shut and motions kind of sluggish, Jared began to sit up with heavy limbs. However, he felt a lot better than he had in a long time so just because it felt like his bones had turned to lead, he wasn’t going to let that stop him.

Jared… Jared had seen a lot of the world by this age, by his forties. He’s seen, done and experienced a lot of things. So he didn’t really even bat an eyelash when he looked behind himself again, at Ben, and went through the motions of thinking about waking up in his handsome male friend’s arms all of the sudden, fresh out of the looney bin and having greasy long, having not been washed in four days, green hair and thoughts slurred due to being high on lithium.

Honestly, Jared couldn’t find it in himself to feel embarrassed, and honestly why should he? This feeling inside him, it made Jared want to curl up back into Ben’s welcoming, warm arms and stay there forever. And Hell, if Tomo wanted, he could sit down on Jared’s couch and watch them while eating popcorn.

However, maybe that wasn’t how Ben felt. Who knows, he might have some insecurities or just new, still uncomfortable feelings about sleeping so close to another man even if the said man looked less like man and more like just a sad clown. So Jared wasn’t going to push it even if he already craved the warmth Ben’s body provided so effortlessly.

But then again it currently looked like Ben wasn’t really thinking about anything - it looked more like he could barely keep his eyes open so Jared smoothly stood up from the bed and started walking towards his bathroom casually. He was going allow Ben to simply brush the whole incident off if he so wished but he wouldn’t _force_ him to do it either. He was going to leave it all up to him by leaving him alone with his thoughts without any pressure to say or do anything more right now.

“I’m going to go take a shower real quick”, is all Jared said to him before disappearing into the adjacent bathroom in his room and closed the door behind himself. As he stepped into the shower and started slowly though meticulously scrubbing away, he silently thanked the whole script crew in his mind about deciding to alter the Joker’s story slightly from the original plan to accommodate the changes of Jared himself.

Jared wasn’t going to need to start hitting the gym every day twice a day this time and he definitely didn’t need to stuff his face with protein like before to gain muscle. In fact, he didn’t really need to do anything during the couple of weeks before filming began because the scriptwriters and the director had been so gracious about taking Jared’s current predicament into mind that they wrote Joker to be ‘severly malnourished from being locked up in Arkham for a long period of time before Batman comes along and breaks him out…’ and so the plot began. And the new alterations also accommodated Jared’s longer hair – it was an added additional benefit, they thought. Made it look that much more authentic.

And it was actually quite funny because wasn’t that exactly what had happened to Jared himself, too? His and Joker’s lives were becoming only more and more intertwined with each other as time went on that it was crazy, literally. Both of them locked up, skinny as hell with disgustingly long slimy green hair and pale white asses and desperately out of their minds – but most importantly, both of them saved by the Bat himself.

It was ridiculous, to put it bluntly and in a way, that statement only verified the disturbing proceedings of the current events.

Jared shook his head as if to get rid of all of those unsettling thoughts and stepped out of the steaming shower with his hair fresh and clean for the first time in a long time. He quickly patted himself dry with a towel before beginning to moisturize. His skin was unnaturally sensitive ever after the _incident_ and even Jared’s doctor had noted that and recommended some calming lotions to use for his body and face to relieve some of the sensitivity and the stinging and dryness that came along with it.

Jared paid as much attention to this step of the process as he could while under the heavy load of drugs he had taken today because he knew that if he didn’t get all these different creams on his face, he would feel like he was being burned alive by the time it was dinner. Or perhaps that was an overreaction, but it was true that his skin did feel like it had got somewhat sunburnt or something if he didn’t use all these fancy cooling creams filling up his bathroom counter space. There was even a nice lightweight lotion for his scalp that Jared used happily. It wasn’t anything like the one he had used in the hospital which had felt like a wet mask over his head but more like oil that dried off without leaving his hair greasy and nasty.

All of this meant Jared had to spend a lot of time staring at himself in the mirror as he applied all his medicine creams on himself. And Jared hated each moment of it. As much as he wanted to be throughout and careful with the maintenance as not to allow irritation to occur which would lead to an even greater pain in salvaging his skin in the end, Jared didn’t like looking at himself. Not right now with this frail looking body, the green hair, the pale skin and the pinkish scars in the corners of his mouth.

Every time he looked into a mirror he was only reminded by a certain someone who made Jared feel on edge. He was battling that person to keep behind the curtains inside himself but to look like him on the outside, that he was so visible to him constantly… It simply wasn’t helping Jared’s case of trying to forget him and move on as himself.

Then again, there was only going to be even more obstacles ahead concerning the filming and whatever came after – like the rest of Jared’s life.

Jared would simply have to suck it up and keep his head straight. Or at least try to not succumb completely anymore because it had been a hell trying to climb back out again on the other side although it got Jared to realize that he could do it and he was stronger than he thought he was.

He would not back down.

Until then, Jared stared back at his reflection in the mirror vehemently even while bile rose up to the back of his mouth. He swallowed it back down and sprayed a little Gucci Guilty cologne to his neck. 

After all, Jared had a guest right behind that bathroom door.

Jared quickly dressed into some casual wear, just a white t and a pair of black pants, that he had brought with him to the bathroom, and headed back to his room.

Ben was still sitting on the bed but seemed a bit sharper and more awake than before. He smiled when he saw Jared and lifted his brows at him happily.

“You did a real scrubbing on yourself there, didn’t you? You’re nearly sparkling”, he commented as he stood up from the bed. Jared snickered a little, finding himself blushing if just a bit as he turned his gaze from Ben to the door.

“Why don’t we go get something to eat. I think Tomo was just alerting us that they got lunch so if we’re lucky, there might still be a few hot spring rolls left”, Jared said as he led them out of the room to the kitchen. Jared wasn’t too keen on eating but he figured that Ben might be quite hungry by now as it seemed their nap had taken the better half of the late morning.

Ben sat next to Jared by the table where everyone else was already seated and to his surprise the fresh Chinese food smelled very good even to him today. In fact, he might just _want_ to take a few bites of it himself anyway.

He wasn’t sure what was it about this day that made everything feel that much easier than before. Jared guessed it was just how everyone gave him more space than before and perhaps the reason behind that was how there was someone already looking over him. However, it didn’t feel that bad when it concerned Ben. In some way, Jared actually enjoyed it.

He liked feeling Ben’s blue eyes on him, how they softened when they moved over to gaze at him, brushing his hand over the small of his back in a casual manner, arm around his waist as he guided him out of the chaos of people or the gently low voice when he spoke to him and only to him and the strong and imposing tone he used when he spoke to everyone else in favour of Jared. Jared wasn’t sure which reason to pick over the other, maybe it was each and every reason as a combination. Perhaps it was simply because it was Ben and Jared liked Ben.

Maybe it was something else that Jared didn’t like to ponder about.

Perhaps it was enough to know that Ben was there now and he made Jared feel a bit more alright again and made him feel like eating wasn’t such a hard task and helped to make just breathing a little simpler.

That was, all jokes and ridiculousness aside, all that Jared cared about and so he sat beside Ben and shared lunch with him. And it was nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's it going?


	15. XV

Jared walks into the studio with hood pulled over his face and sunglasses on his nose. He doesn’t want _anyone_ to recognize him. Nobody. He doesn’t want to talk about what happened and he doesn’t want to talk about what’s going on right now. He still doesn’t have all the answers himself, and that sounds crazy alone, so he rather stay quiet about the whole incident, wait until it blows over and people forget. If someone decides to ask him after that, Jared might consider giving them a proper answer.

Currently, however, if anyone dares to approach him with that sort of a question, Jared will tell them that it was a “momentarily lapse of consciousness” and that he’s “fine now and ready to work”.

But if all truth be spoken, Jared isn’t so sure about being “ready to work” himself. For sure, Dr Bowen doesn’t agree. In fact, he would rather keep Jared locked up in his hospital for a few more weeks if he could on second thoughts, and only then talk about if Jared could try the out-patient treatment while being completely out of commission concerning any job he has. Keeping Jared away from stress is essential for his recovery, he had said. Well, that just wasn’t going to happen.

Jared understands that. If just looking in the mirror is already bothering him this much, what about acting it all out? Pretending to be the character inside and out. That doesn’t sound good, at least not to Dr Bowen and Jared thinks a few others might agree as well.

But Jared signed a contract. And most of the time those piece of papers can be harder to get around than the many tall mountains he has encountered in his life. Jared made a deal and now he has to keep his end of it.

Ben is there with him. He walks him to the makeup room where they are going to blur the lines between the people inside Jared even more.

The makeup artist smiles at them and ushers them to sit down on the big chairs in front of the large mirrors planted in front of them, lined with bright lights. Jared greets her and takes off his hoodie and sunglasses so that she can get to work. Obviously, whoever dyed Jared’s hair is no longer around. He didn’t get sued though as they couldn’t manage to contact him. He was clearly a slippery guy, probably not following much any rules of the industry and it was no wonder what had happened, happened.

However, it wasn’t the man’s fault that Jared didn’t get help soon enough. 

So Jared sucks it up and just tilts his head as the makeup artist begins her work. Jared already knows her from previous films, he can trust her.

She’s seen the scars too but she giggles in delight as she spots the two green braids coming down Jared’s head.

“Oh this is just too darn cute, can I take a picture?” she asks. Jared nods with a small smile. This is fine too as it’s also in the contract that any pictures taken in the studio or the set can only be released to the public after four months of the theatrical film release. And besides, Jared’s quite sure she isn’t too interested in sharing these photos with a lot of people. She’s a nice middle-aged woman with three kids and a husband. She’s not going to pull a publicity stunt on him by releasing photos of his bare face, the scars and even the cute hairdo. She’s going to look back at them one day and merely snicker.

Ben sits in the big red chair next to Jared and simply watches. He doesn’t actually have to be here right now, only in about an hour or so, but he wanted to be there for Jared which Jared really appreciates. Ben helps to keep him grounded to the reality. But Jared also relies a lot on his medication which he surely hopes works throughout the filming process. He _really_ doesn’t want to have some sort of a relapse in front of everybody, again, and mess something up. And who knows, it could even become dangerous.

Jared wonders if that’s what everybody else is thinking on the set as well when they see him. That he’s going to lose his cool or whatever. Jared doesn’t want to sound paranoid but he would bet on the odds that they all are wondering if he’s going to pull through.

The thought only makes Jared want to stay on top of his business all the more. He wants to prove them wrong.

Jared has had his eyes closed for the majority of makeup process but when he needs to look up instead for the makeup artist to draw his waterline with a red colour – to give them an irritated, bloodshot look – Jared sees himself for the first time in his new getup.

Oh God…

He looks just… Honestly, he looks like himself.

Jared can’t get over the feeling that that is what it is. He looks how he did when he was in the hospital, only largely exaggerated, the colours deeper, his cheekbones look like they could cut glass and his lips look like they are bleeding with red, and there’s the tattoos, too, of course but overall… He might as well be himself.

Only as the Joker.

And that is of course what they are looking for, as well. In that case, she did a brilliant job. Even Ben looks… concerned? What, why is he -?

The hair artist comes in then. She cries out and then laughs, hands over her startled mouth.

“Now that’s a look! Hahah, maybe we should just leave the braids on”, she jokes before coming up behind him. “But no, I’m going to have open these braids, how sad. We need to get a greasier look on you as in the script you haven’t exactly hit the showers in some time.”

Just from the dark smudges all over the porcelain white foundation on Jared’s face that fact comes through quite clear. And he doesn’t mind it, he just braided his hair today so that it would be easier to keep it hidden from view underneath the hoodie. Though that doesn’t mean he doesn’t take pride in his braiding skills.

She starts working on his hair – thank God, his scalp is better these days – while the makeup artist hands him the grills for his teeth. The bat shaped metal piece looks even more worn out than before. Jared applies it on himself expertly but manages to move some of the lipstick on his lower lip so she comes in to take care of that once more.

The hair doesn’t take that long, honestly, as most of it is just au naturel. Both of the women probably think it’s quite strange for him to be able to grown green hair out of his head but it does leave a smooth finish and his hair isn’t dry from it being dyed except from the ends of course.

Jared looks over to Ben once again as he stands up – it’s Ben’s turn now and Jared has to move to the dressing room. He smiles at Jared but the play on his lips doesn’t convince Jared that everything’s fine. Ben’s thinking about what everyone else is – is Jared going to break.

And Jared can’t answer that right now either, so he just says what he’s supposed to say.

“I’m fine”, he says quietly to Ben with a reassuring smile he forces out and then walks to the dressing rooms with the set guide. He hopes he didn’t just lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit of a quick morning chapter but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. This has become a bit of a slowburn although I was hoping to bring things more up to speed so that we can finally get to the good stuff and get that affleto romance thing going on. 
> 
> Also, I hope that everyone understands that I'm never implying that these people, as they are people in reality, are actually how they are as I've written them out to be in this fic. I mean, this is fiction, it's all just make-belief and basically all I've done is I've taken inspiration out of real world people and some situation and turned that inspiration into fictional characters. And with those fictional characters I'm playing these different situations out like you'd do with any other fictional character.   
> I know I probably don't need to say that out-loud like that but I've heard that there are some misconceptions people have when it comes to these real life character fiction works and I wanted to to clear it up that this is not me being disturbed and acting out things with real people's lives in this fic - this fic is all fictional, just the inspiration has a lot of similarities with real life happenings (which are also to some extent only supposed situations). So no, I don't think the real life people who inspired this work are actually this way as how I've written them out to be in this fictional version. And basically, if any of those inspirations would ever happen to encounter this fic and, lord forgive, read it, they would have no reason to find themselves offended by what I've written here or even really feel weird about it because it doesn't have to do with them anymore. This doesn't have to do with reality. As any art form does, fics merely draw inspiration from reality, some to greater extent than others, and this is probably on the "more" end of the spectrum. And that's just swell as some people like to read that sort of thing as well. Some don't and that's fine too as no one is being forced to read this fic.   
> Okay. That's all. Good.
> 
> (I don't know if that made sense but I tried. )


	16. XVI

Filming is most always a long process. Especially when it comes to films of this size.

Despite all the hard work Jared put into his recovery, they possibly couldn’t expect him to be perfect all the time. Not for this long.

In their defence, they did always think to give him some off-time to take care of himself between shoots which was really nice of them, however a mere couple of days then and again couldn’t feasibly do the job for Jared of regaining his balance and sense of identity.

So at one point during the filming process when Ben was clad in his Batman suit kneeling in front Jared who was lying on the cobblestone floor of the dark alley they were filming in, Ben saw switch happen right in front of his eyes in the gaze Jared was giving while in the middle of his line.

The cameras couldn’t catch it, well, not in the moment. Nobody else noticed except Ben probably because no one on the set knew Jared like he did and so they kept shooting the scene like nothing happened even though Ben was very much aware of how things had quickly taken a sudden turn for the precarious.

Jared’s voice was low as he spoke his line to Ben, surprisingly soft. Unexpected. Even to the director’s ears. However, this wasn’t improvisation. This was simply another person talking to Ben right now.

Or rather – to Batman.

“They can’t see us in here”, the Joker said in a sultry yet _innocent_ tone. The look in his eyes was incredibly intense. Overwhelmingly vigilant and unwarranted. Ben felt shivers run down his spine despite the heat that always came with being in the tight suit.

Joker’s hand came up to touch Ben’s cheek carefully, even his eyes were following his own movements. Like nothing was certain except for what existed right in the moment.

The presence which came as soon as it went.

“No”, Ben said back, gruffly. He wasn’t so sure if it was his line or not but he said it anyway. He felt the need and he wasn’t thinking anymore. He honestly didn’t even remember what they were supposed to do next. Everything had changed with the abrupt transformation of look in Jared’s eyes.

Joker grasped Ben by his neck and started leaning forward. His gleaming red lips parting slightly. The look in his eyes… it was so much. It stunned Ben to the spot.

The camera leaned in closer. The tension grew. Everyone was silent.

Anticipating.

“I want it, Batsy. I want you.”

Joker’s voice was barely above a whisper. He was nearly trembling as Ben held him by his bare waist. They were both wet from the previous artificial rain.

Joker waited for Ben. He waited for Batman to answer.

Ben’s eyes flickered to the bleeding red lips, didn’t say anything, kept to his spot, but that was enough of a response for Joker.

He kissed him.

Softly.

On the lips.

No denying about that.

Joker’s hands were cupping Ben’s face, his head tilted slightly backwards to reach Ben’s stern mouth, his eyes were closed and black and his lips so soft and gentle yet desperate and yearning. And when Ben’s lips parted on their own accord, Joker keened, whined quietly against his mouth.

Ben pressed closer to him, pressing him into the brickwall, shielding Joker from the rest of the world and held him tighter against himself. Joker’s hands clutched the black of Batman’s cape with great desire and Ben couldn’t help but groan.

This kept going until all air had escaped their lungs and they had to break off. Their foreheads still were placed against each other and their eyes were locked, Joker’s blinking as tears began to trickle down his cheeks.

Ben held Joker’s jaw in his gauntlet and then pressed his lips against the red ones once more. Quicker though maybe even more passionately this time, making Joker frown from his need and receiving of fulfilment of those needs.

And then they parted, yet still holding each other in their arms, and the director yelled cut.

The set was silent. Still. Captivated and absolutely dumbfounded.

It was, to an extent, worrying. But Ben only cared about one thing right now. He requested for a quick break and the director just nodded his head still speechless and mouth agape.

Ben didn’t waste time in moving, though. He _carried_ Joker to his trailer – thank God he did not resist but in fact held on tight to him as he made their way through the dark set. Inside, Ben laid Joker down on the small bed placed in the corner of the trailer and then went to get him some water from the minifridge.

However, Joker sat up and grabbed Ben’s hand keeping him beside him. The blue eyes held a longing look to them. An urgently needy one.

Ben sat down next to him and Joker didn’t waste time getting his arms around one of his and gripping it tightly against his chest and pressing his hollow cheek against the Kevlar of it.

Ben wondered where Jared’s phone might be. He was thinking of calling his doctor. Or maybe he should call Shannon first. Probably Shannon first and then see if he had the number and –

Joker purred into Ben’s side as he pressed even closer to him, eyes closed and expression almost tranquil. Ben was hooked on him, completely mesmerized by him.

And partly scared by him.

Which only amplified the desire to simply stay with him there, just the two of them alone in the calm of the trailer, secluded from the rest of the world. But Ben knew what he had to do. He fished his phone off the small table in front of them where he had set it before shooting, and tapped Shannon’s name on the screen and pressed the phone to his ear.

He looked back over to Jared as he waited for Shannon to answer. It was then the dark eyelids fluttered wide open and big greenish blue eyes opened up to catch Ben’s, devouring his attention entirely. 

“Don’t go”, the seductive voice whispered to Ben sweetly, his cheek pressed against Ben’s shoulder and the long nimble fingers squeezing Ben’s bicep tighter and tighter.

Ben’s mouth was opened but no words came out even as the ringing stopped in his ear and Shannon’s slightly confused voice replaced it.

“… is everything alright? Did Jared do something?” Shannon started questioning with increasing worry lacing his words as the silence dragged on only broken by Ben’s fragmented urms and ums.

Then Jared tilted his head to the side so innocent looking and vulnerable, defenceless and unthreatening and needy of Ben’s attention that Ben had a change of mind.

“I’m sorry Shannon, I accidentally pressed the wrong number. Everything’s fine”, Ben told Shannon casually.

“Oh… Okay, no problem then”, Shannon then replied sounding even more confused this time though much less anxious.

“I’ll see you later when I drop Jared off”, Ben then said before saying goodbye and disconnecting the call. He hoped he wouldn’t have a lot of explaining to do when he would meet Shannon again later that day. In fact, Ben was hoping that he could get Jared back to himself during their short break and that he would feel completely normal by the time the shooting was over for the day.

And before anything else, Ben was hoping that he could get to the bottom of how Jared really felt about him – whether this was all a grand delusion or there was something real lying behind it.

Ben took of the cowl, slowly and carefully as not to tear it or cause other damage to it and also as not to shock Jared – or rather the Joker. He could _hear_ Jared holding his breath as Ben set the cowl down beside and then turned to properly face him on the bed.

The Joker stared back at him, mouth gaping open and eyes wide as a full moon. It was the model example of a stunned expression however it soon broke into an enchanted grin.

“Well, looks like I’ve got myself a Bruce Wayne”, he said with a giggle. “ _Lucky_ _me…”_

Ben felt cold.

Attentively he places his hands on Jared’s shoulders in an effort to try and ground him, and then closed in on him so that their eyes were at level with each other.

“Jared”, Ben voiced clearly, well annunciating each vowel but with a gentle tone. “It’s me, Ben, okay. I need you to concentrate on me right now. Try really hard.”

Jared frowned at him, his expression almost dissolving into a look of disgust as he started leaning away from Ben’s hold.

“I don’t like _this_ ”, the Joker whispered, hissing, with a soft shake of his head while backing towards the wall slowly like he was afraid of Ben.

Ben knew he couldn’t let Jared get away from him so he placed his hand gently on his shin, carefully grabbing it and then moving back towards him in order to keep Jared’s focus on him as Joker’s gaze kept darting around the trailer to find the best way to escape… or to find something else.

“Jared, please… I need you back here. You need to snap out of this”, Ben told him again wondering if he should administer another dosage for Jared but then thinking that it might actually be counterproductive and mess with the chemicals in his head instead and simply make it worse. Ben would have to think of something else – the Joker was beginning to growl at him.

If Ben couldn’t get Jared back to him, maybe he could try to match the Joker instead.

Ben looked at the light blue blanket on the bed, trying figure out how to do this. Then…

Ben caught Joker by both of his legs and swiftly pulled him towards him causing Joker to land on his back on the bed and to lie underneath Ben. He looked as surprised as anyone would, his body caged by Ben’s so suddenly against the mattress but that was the whole point.

To change the direction of his thoughts.

Ben had Joker detained underneath him, his long legs trapped on either side of his waist, diving into the black mass of the cape and Ben leaning over him, and Ben decided to only increase that effect by taking a hold of Joker by his throat.

Not causing him any discomfort or hurting him whatsoever but to simply keep him securely in one place and to gain each and every bit of his attention.

“Joker”, Ben spoke to him, his voice gone a little huskier and deeper than before although nothing extravagant. It merely came naturally to him by now.

Jared’s eyes widened at him – it was as if he became entranced. He immediately stopped resisting him completely and simply lay there. Ben took a deep breath now that he felt like he had the time. He held the control now. Joker was listening to him – well… to Batman. Ben would be able to simply watch him now. Look at him breathe there beneath him, chest rising up and setting down under that thin white shirt he was wearing, eyes trailing over each and every word Ben said, and his wild eyes captivated by Ben’s steady ones.

“I _want_ you to calm _down_ now”, Bruce told him, voice stern and commanding to be heard, to be followed. Joker swallowed slightly, eyes blinking and then a quiet exhale coming out through the red moist lips. His pale hands were lying on the mattress beside his head, relaxed and palms open.

The muscles of his throat were no longer tensed under Ben’s grasp. Joker utterly relied on him in that moment. Trusted him without a doubt in his mind.

He was comfortable like this.

Strapped down by Ben’s form and held immobile by both his physical and mental strength. It was like he wanted to calm down himself, too, but wouldn’t allow it to happen unless it was for Batman.

For a second Ben came back to earth and wondered what would happen if someone happened to knock on the door of the trailer at this point and simply come in without waiting for an answer – the door wasn’t locked after all.

Ben decided to focus on one matter at a time.

“Good. Well done”, he praised Joker. Some positive feedback was always encouraging, wasn’t it? And Ben definitely wanted to encourage Joker to stay calm and as non-destructive as possible.

The Joker smiled sweetly at him. Ben inhaled deep once again.

“Alright. We still have some work to do today. Now you can choose what happens next. Either I tell the others what happened, take you home and call the doctor to come take a look at you, or you do exactly as I say, play nice and good and when I take you home after work, we’ll do something you want to do”, Bruce told him.

Ben wasn’t sure if presenting options to Joker would be the best kind of idea but at the same time, Ben didn’t want to make this type of a decision without consulting Jared even if just a little bit. Because Jared still had to be somewhere in there, conscious and listening – it showed through at times, even if in little glimpses.

Ben obviously didn’t want to put anyone into danger because Jared wasn’t completely here anymore but what he had just witnessed a few moments ago on set, had made him question whether Joker really was such a threat. Maybe Jared still had some control now that he was still on medication. Maybe this wasn’t a complete relapse.

Perhaps it was just something in-between good and bad. Something Ben could work with – literally. Then Jared also wouldn’t feel so bad afterwards when he would come to. He would feel accomplished rather than failed if they got the job done. Ben knew that’s how Jared would feel even if he personally disagreed with the statement – taking a break didn’t mean being a failure. It meant taking time to make sure you did your job right.

Ben was already second guessing whether they should do this at all. He really should have just told Shannon what was really happening. This couldn’t be healthy…

Joker’s hands wandered up to Ben’s shoulders and then gripped him by the neck gently. Ben let go of his grasp on his neck, moving it to the back of his head instead.

“I want to stay with you. No doctors”, he said to him, sensually lifting himself to feel Ben closer against his body. “I’ll be good, promise”, he added as a whisper to Ben’s ear.

Then the break was over and they were back in front of the cameras like nothing had happened. But everything had changed in some respects. The Joker was on set this time and Ben had to be the Batman to match him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was kinda shit, I'm so busy right now I didn't really have time to write this properly.


	17. XVII

_Is it really true? Batman and Joker KISS in the new movie?_

_Okay… this is WEIRD, what are they even trying to achieve with this shit? Bat and Joker together in love or something? That’s not –_

_Oh shiit, baby, this is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life! I love it! I can’t wait to see the new movie!_

_What’s this I’ve been hearing, enemies to lovers, is it? No way that’s crazy, think of all the fans they would gonna lose if it was true –_

“I know what you’re doing”, Ben says to him with a knowing smirk playing on his lips. Jared puts down his phone back on the table with a slightly embarrassed look. Ben sighs with understanding as he sits down in across from him. 

“None of that matters. Whatever they are saying. As much as there are people who disagree with the new story, there are people who are willing to accept it. Besides, it’s none of our concern really. We’re not the director or the producer”, Ben tells him. Jared shifts in his seat a bit uncomfortably.

“But… it’s just… It sort of was my idea after all. And I just don’t want to cause any more trouble with everything else considered. I’m surprised they haven’t fired me yet but I feel like they soon will after they see the audiences’ reactions”, Jared tries to explain to him. Ben grasps Jared’s hand under the table.

“Hey, stop that. Stop worrying so much. I think this is going to be good. Sure people are going to be surprised and even shocked by this which will cause them to retreat for a moment but in the end, after they have actually seen the finished product, they might change their minds, you know. And even if some don’t, why should we care about them? We’re doing this for those of whom who appreciate the work we put into these films.”

Jared regards Ben and the well-founded look in his eyes.

“Well… I guess you’re right about that. Hmm, at least they worked it into the script for it to run smoother when the director got inspired by the whole shenanigan. It was real impromptu and in the moment when it happened, wasn’t it. I hope that doesn’t get leaked to the press, at least. I really rather have all things concerning me be kept under wraps for now”, Jared admits looking at the table with a worried expression and then glances at Ben with a pointed look. “Especially the condition I was in when it all first happened.”

Ben grips Jared’s hand a little tighter in his own.

“Like I said, don’t worry about it. Nobody knows but me”, Ben assures him and then adds with a gentle smile, “But now, let’s get that green mop of yours sorted out.”

They get up from the waiting room table then and head to the room where the doctor is already waiting for them by the opened door. The woman smiles at them and leads them in. A hairdresser is waiting for them inside by the customary chair with all of her equipment.

Darryl is there too, standing by in the corner in case that anything comes about. He smiles at Jared in greeting and Jared returns it but he can’t help but get the idea that everyone is just expecting something to go terribly wrong today. For Jared to go wrong today. The dread of it sits uncomfortable in the pit of his stomach.

As Jared’s hair and scalp were obviously damaged and most likely permanently altered from the last dye, Jared had to come to the hospital to get his hair dyed to something resembling a natural colour under the supervision of a medical professional, at least for this first time to make sure that if anything happened, it could be handled as soon as possible. Darryl was there for the muscle, the doctor to take a closer look, Ben for emotional support. The hairdresser was a necessary devil. Jared the fallen angel.

Ben took the seat in the other chair next to him as Jared sat in the typical hairdresser’s chair in front of the large highly lit mirror. Jared kept his gaze lowered to the floor as not to have to look at himself as the hairdresser got to work. They had agreed with the doctor that it would be best to keep to light colours that didn’t have too much dye agents in them. It would of course involve some bleaching first but the woman with the brush in her hand seemed much more capable than the previous one so none of them were too concerned about that.

They all chatted among each other while more and more of Jared’s green wavy strands were covered in white, strong smelling substance and left to develop. Jared felt himself to be on edge through the whole procedure despite how gentle the hairdresser was with him and his head. He couldn’t help himself from feeling tensed and nervous about possibly getting an attack. But whenever Jared started having trembling hands and fidgeting feet, Ben would gain his attention with a comforting warm smile and reassuring word.

“You’re good, baby. Don’t worry”, he would say quietly to him and stroke his hand over Jared’s knuckles. And Jared’s wide eyes would melt a little bit, the frown on his face relax and a small nod come through his spine.

It took two hours to complete the procedure as each step was taken slowly and carefully with great precision and focus. By the end of it, Jared could finally breathe a little easier and the hairdresser could relieve her arms to her sides and then proceeded to collapse in a chair with a big chuckled sigh.

“So… how’d you like it?” she asks as she throws away her sharp gleaming scissors to the small table beside her. Jared dares to look at the mirror this time, if only out of appreciation and is quite positively surprised by what looks back at him.

It’s finally him this time. It’s finally more Jared than the other one regarding him back from the shining surface. For a second it feels like he wouldn’t have to fear himself anymore.

“It’s much better. Much much better”, Jared tells her as he stands up from the chair with numbed legs and goes over to her for a grateful hug. “Thank you”, he says to her with a soft voice as he’s taken aback by how emotional the relief of the transformation got him. His throat nearly clogs up with it.

“Oh, no problem. I’m glad you like it”, she responds, clearly a bit startled by his strong reaction but also quite pleased about it.

Ben shakes her and the doctor’s hand in appreciation as well. The doctor tells Jared to immediately contact her if anything came about, if he starts experiencing headaches or any pains at all. Jared promises he will and with that they head back home and show off the new honey blond look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about hair dyes, so sorry if there's some problems concerning how it really works but uh I was imagining the new hair to be how it looked it the Gucci Guilty ads. I don't know but I like the whole vibe those ads had, real smooth and ethereal almost and I wish to visit Venice at some point. What about you? Wanna go to Venice with me? :D Some time when it's not too crowded with tourists.


	18. XVIII

Whenever Ben turns to look at Jared he finds himself smiling quietly to himself. It’s just so good to see Jared feeling better these days. Ever since they had his hair dyed, he’s seemed more emotionally stable than in a long time. He’s happier which makes Ben happy. Especially now that they are seeing each other more than ever.

About that… It has been just another night when he had taken Jared back home but instead of him heading right inside, they had sat in the car for a minute longer than usual – alone, together. They had both been aware of the ever-intensifying connection between each other all along, all of those shared moments, the good and the bad times, the truths they had confided each other about themselves without even realizing because it all felt so natural to them as if they had been good friends for years.

There was a tie that held them together through thick and thin, it seemed, and eventually it brought them close together.

It had been raining outside and it made the city of lights look blurry and soft from behind the windows. The radio was playing quietly in the background and their gazes had met each other suddenly and the locked eyes could not be broken off anymore.

Kissing Jared had been easy and effortless. Even off-screen. There was nothing in his mind, no thought, not one teeny tiny idea, that had been stopping Ben as he leaned in further and Jared laid his hands on his cheeks to bring him in even closer.

The next time Ben dropped Jared off, it was to Ben’s penthouse apartment and they left the car together. It wasn’t Jared’s first time coming by but it was his first staying over. It had been a very pleasant evening they had had that day as were all the other ones that followed it.

At one point Jared started noticing he was beginning to spend more time at Ben’s than at his own home which was causing Shannon to get all wondering about it as well and he was starting to clutter everything up in the house because he didn’t seem to have any organizational skills whatsoever. Jared didn’t mind it though. There was just the mild inconvenience of not having everything he needed when he was staying at Ben’s be that from his calendar to a simple pair of pants.

As more and more time passed, Jared had eventually conquered the entire other half of Ben’s closet with his own clothes and his other belongings started crowding the rest of Ben’s apartment’s free surfaces. Jared couldn’t help but feel a little wary about it because he didn’t want Ben to feel like he was invading his home but Ben only encouraged him to feel himself at home when he was staying over.

Jared’s home was something of a peculiar space as it was a former military compound and by so quite a large place but when it came to filling all of that space, Jared didn’t have that much of that going on. Most of the space was taken by strange objects and other miscellaneous items he didn’t need per say, but also all of the band equipment was there, and of course his brother resided there as well. In conclusion, Jared could have fully moved in with Ben quite easily at any time, however, they took things gradually and as they came naturally.

Then Ben asked Jared to come with him to Boston. It was only going to be a couple of weeks but it would be nice either way as Ben had another place there – it was his hometown after all, sure he had a set-up apartment there too.

The visit would also be an ample time for Jared to meet Ben’s parents Christine and Timothy – that is if they were up to it considering all the things they were still saying about Jared in the “news” these days. Ben tried reassuring Jared that his family would more than welcome Jared into their lives however Jared would believe it only when he saw it. He didn’t want to get his hopes up in this matter. It was too important. He needed to make a good impression even if it wouldn’t truly be a first one.

Ben booked their flight and made sure all was ready and running already by the time he had made the call to his parents notifying about their arrival. Jared watched him quietly next to him on the couch with a guitar in his lap, his nimble fingers laying across the black wooden board calmly. Ben finished the rest of the work on his laptop quickly enough and then put the appliance down onto the coffee table in front of them with a happy relaxed sigh. He turned to look at Jared with a smile but he noticed that Jared seemed apprehensive about returning it.

“What is it?” Ben asked with a worried look captivating his face and he gently lays his hand on Jared’s bare ankle next to Ben’s thigh underneath which he has tucked his tows to keep them warm.

“It’s nothing. I’m just… Everything’s just been going so great and this is the first ‘big’ step we’re taking here. I’m going to be seeing your hometown, your parents and… soon it’ll be… what? What’s going to be next? What’s the next big thing? And does it even matter to know what’s next if we never get to it because I will _certainly_ manage to screw something up because I’m _still_ crazy and that’s what they are going to expect anyway and hell no are they going to want someone like that for you, you deserve so much better, Ben, you’re such a good man and I’m really not. They are going to want me gone and then I’ll go because I don’t want you to have to fight with your parents and, God, they are so right, you are too good for me and you really deserve someone much better than someone as fucked up as me…”

Jared was essentially going off the rails. His speech was getting incredibly hurried, it sounded like he wasn’t breathing at all, his hands were shaking and his gaze tripping all over the place as he spiralled down into a dark hole of his own making.

Ben reached forward, carefully taking the guitar out of Jared’s hands and placed it on the ground. Then he gently wrapped an arm around his waist and effectively pulling Jared against his chest just like that despite Jared barely even noticing the movement from being too deep into his self-loathing thoughts.

With a steadying hand placed on Jared’s cheek, over the scar, Ben finally gained Jared’s focus on him or maybe it was due to him nearly beginning to hyperventilate. Either way, Ben took it as a time to talk back some sense into him.

“Jared. Baby, please. Are you even listening to yourself? This possibly can’t have anything to do with my parents anymore – I’ve already told you they are not like the people in Hollywood. They don’t buy all that crap they sell in the papers. They are from Boston, remember?” Ben chuckled lightly to himself. The scared line between Jared’s eyebrows still persisted.

“And you’re not crazy, Jay. You’re doing so well. I couldn’t be more proud of you, and once my parents meet you, I’m sure they’ll think exactly the same”, Ben said to him, his thumb softly brushing over Jared’s cheekbone. The pained blue eyes gazed into Ben’s with a desperate yearning for reassurance and affection and more than anything, comfort.

“It’s silly to talk about one or the other being better or worse than the other when both are equally destined to be who we are which is good all on its own. The best even. Of course we can try to make better choices and do things better but that’s all already written in the deal. That’s _you_ and that’s enough. You’re as enough for me, Jared, as I can be for you. Nobody’s perfect but we can be perfect for each other. Okay?”

Jared’s lips were parted, almost trembling as he held back tears, his nimble fingers now clutching onto Ben’s shirt. Ben pulled him closer towards himself softly.

“And what even is a big thing for us anymore? We’ve gone through a whole lot of thick and thin already, I reckon we can get through Boston quite fine despite it being a bit of rough city to handle at times. Either way, it’s no worse than what we’ve already seen. It’s really just going to be lovely.”

The line between his eyebrows began to vanish and his eyes didn’t look too nervous anymore. Jared regarded Ben and his words carefully and attentively. Ben sealed it all with a small, quiet kiss to his soft rosy lips yet overflowing with meaningfulness and care.

Jared’s clutch on his shirt waned off and he wrapped his arms around Ben’s neck instead as he sunk into his chest warmly. Ben’s smile began to grow back.

“It’s going to be lovely…” Jared repeated with an incredibly soft voice behind Ben’s head, tasting the words, measuring the trustworthiness as his fingers carded themselves through Ben’s hair at the nape of his neck.

“Yes, baby. It’s going to be lovely. I have a nice warm apartment in a nice quiet neighbourhood with a nice old calm landlady coming in every Sunday to make sure the place hasn’t caught on fire and the newspapers aren’t littering the floors”, Ben started to describe with a light, gentle tone to his voice. Jared leaned off slightly to get a better look at him and his amusing expression as he spoke.

“There’s a tea pot and coffee pot, two different pots, so that we can brew nice hot coffee in the mornings and sweet camomile tea in the evenings so that then you’ll get all sleepy and I can take you to my bed and lay you down on my nice soft blankets and snuggle you tight during the night. Then when we wake up, I’ll make us some of that nice hot coffee and read one of the newspapers lying on the floor. Afterwards, we can go take a nice walhk in the Havad yahd or take a nice relaxing drive through the neighbourhoods and I’ll show you around - the old oak tree from where I fell down and broke my collarbone or the alley where I got into my first fight behind the eighty-eight bar. I’ll show you all the places I love and hate and everything in between.”

Jared was mesmerized, mouth gaping with excited astonishment. Ben smiled at him happily.

“And then I’ll take you back home after we first stop by at Leo’s for a nice quick grub and I’ll light the fire in the fireplace and then make love to you on my soft Arabic carpet so that when the warm light of the flames glows across your skin, it will appear as gold and your lips as like molten honey.”

Jared was officially stunned into complete silence. It was very endearing to Ben.

“That’s how I’ll want us to spend our time when I’ll back in my hometown. Sure we can go visit my parents and all that, but what I really want to do, is to spend more time with you, alone.”

Now Jared was smiling, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys.... I'm real sorry about how long it took for this update to come about. See, life hasn't been the greatest for me at the moment (moving to another town to start studying in a prison like university a boring-ass degree that is so very wrong for me but fuck me, I can't do anything about it, at least not for a year and fuck me then I'd have to tell my parents that and fuck me will they be very bloody angry with me, and shit I'm not doing well here, fuuuck) and I've been having some trouble finding time and motivation to write but I tried my best here and I'm looking to continue my efforts to get back into writing again. 
> 
> Really, I think doing this is going to be good for me so I'm glad there are still people reading this :) I'm just warning you that at times the updates may come a little later than intended but I'll do my best to keep up some kind of a rhythm. 
> 
> But hey, all that other crap aside, how are you guys liking the way J and B are coming together? What would you like to see them do? Let me know!


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